2024 and lethargy

 Still alive but still dealing with the after effects of a bout of COVID last Easter... I've spent a year struggling to do ANYTHING beyond eat, work and sleep, and I'm almost permanently exhausted. So, yeah, Long COVID sucks... In addition, there has been various issues for my wider family which has taken up the few spare spoons I've had. Medically for me, COVID has left me with asthma, which is annoying in itself but has also meant changing other medication I've been stable on for years because that was aggravating it! 

I am making plans, but I've followed through on so little that it shames me and I am loath to share them out loud in case I fail yet again. However, with the intent of pointing out to myself what I HAVE achieved, I'm going to write some things out here:

Books read

I've completed approximately 8 books this year, which is a bit less than hoped, but also fairly realistic for me. I am neither commuting regularly (my traditional reading time), nor do I have all my energy or concentration back, so I must not compare myself now to the person who was reading 200+ books a year a decade ago...

This is what I know I've read during 2024 so far, although there may be a few more titles that I've forgotten to record:

1. Bookshops & Bonedust (Legends & Lattes, #0.1)
2. The Library of the Dead (Edinburgh Nights #1)
3. The Beyond (Devil's Isle #4)
4. She and Her Cat
5. A Deadly Education (The Scholomance, #1)
6. Gertie's Charmed Sewing Studio: Pattern Making and Couture-Style Techniques for Perfect Vintage Looks
7. Nettle and Bone
8. Iron Widow (Iron Widow #1)

I also did a lot of sample/extract reading for the Hugo Award voting, which I've just noticed aren't on my list as I read them while I was away on holiday.

Crafting

Almost Sweet Fanny Adams. I've consciously stripped back my expectations for 2024 now. The projects listed below have fabric and patterns ready, but just haven't been made. I've consciously not added any costuming projects because I know I don't have the focus just yet. If I continue to progress and feel somewhat better, I plan to work on simple costuming projects like accessories, which could spruce up the not-so-good and bought stuff I have at present.

So the purpose of this list is items for me - clothes for wearing on a daily basis only - and a few gifts.

1. Finish off a peg bag I was making for my mother just before I got ill. Target: Christmas 2024
2. Coquelicot skirt: I bought the pattern for this and it's addons last year (I think). It was always behind costuming work, but I've wanted this for AGES and I'm thinking it will be a nice gentle make to ease me back in. I'm only going to do the skirt to begin with, to not overwhelm myself.
3. I have two "draft at home" patterns I bought even longer ago than the Coquelicot patterns. Both are for "house dresses", which appeals to me. My target here, however isn't to MAKE the dresses, but to do the work to size up and make the Pattern only. If I have the energy, I may make a cheapo mockup to see how they fit me.

That's it. I could add millions of things I want to make, but I need to be realistic about my capacity right now, and how limited that is... So no stretch goals listed and no deadlines to make me feel inadequate and depressed.

I think I'm going to do a separate post later, with my "Long List of patterns I want to make" on it. No deadlines, just a list that I will pick things off in future...

Meanderings, Mostly on reading this year and Brain chaos

So this post is partly looking back on a post I first wrote in September 2020 but only just got around to tidying off and releasing (On self-help and neurodiverse (support) communities), and partly just on me and reading this year. I feel these topics are related.

I'll begin by sharing an image that ADHD Alien / Pina shared recently. This one was a big OUCH moment for me to see, because it's absolutely where I am right now!

Neurodiversity Update

So, after sitting and mulling on this for at least a year, I've come to face that I may be at least slightly ADHD in addition to my existing ASD diagnosis. I've tried to prove to myself that I don't have ADHD traits, and I'm failing. I also still find (see the post linked above) that ADHD-related "hacks" often help me far more than pure ASD related ones. The more I researched to "prove" that I don't have anything like ADHD, the more I found things which helped to explain why my ASD presentation wasn't textbook despite my high assessment results.

Accepting these "failings", however has proved to be a benefit. Saying out loud that I can't do X because Y, has helped me see ways past the inability to do the thing and to find alternative ways to get to the goal instead. For example, keeping my office tidy.

I have loads of rubbish in my room, and empty cups, and old plates, plus parts of incomplete projects, and so on. It's awful and I hate it, because ironically having my environment look like my brain feels is a direct impediment for me to achieve anything. But I kept forgetting to empty the bin, or put a new liner in, or simply move the rubbish from Point of Creation to Bin. An ADHDer (I think it was on a hacks Facebook group) suggested that this is from trying to live as a neurotypical. Instead they suggested that it might be more productive to go back to the fundamentals and solve the actual problem without thinking about expectations. So, using the example of bins - established thinking is that you have a bin per room and move items to the bin, but if your brain doesn't work that way, perhaps it's better to just have bins at each point of rubbish generation regardless of how many are in that location. So I now have a paper bin near my cutting mat, for pattern paper offcuts, and because I used to overfill and then forget or knock over the "normal" sized bin by my desk, I now have an entire bin liner tied to one of the clamps on my desk, which I change every bin day. Why a bin liner? Well, I don't have space for a hard bin that size, but a liner kinda tucks under a corner of my desk. Plus "emptying" is as simple as untying, knotting the top, and taking it outside. No interim tasks to distract me along the way.

Distractibility and Hyperfocus

Accepting my own distractibility has been another thing I'm working on. For a long time this has been something I've struggled to accept about myself as I thought it directly contradicted my ASD diagnosis. But it doesn't.

ASD means that when I'm in the task, I'm IN it, and I dive all the way in.

Distractibility means that between dives I can get totally waylaid, and that my next deep dive may not be anywhere close to what I NEED to be doing, or even what I want to be doing!

For example:

• Working on Task A, dive deeply, but then need some information from an email to continue.
• Tab to emails
• Get distracted reading emails, respond to 3 unrelated emails
• Attend a meeting
• Do Task B
• Go to close at the end of the day and realise that Task A wasn't completed because I never actually retrieve the information I went to get.

Example 2:

• Working on Task A, which involves using programmes on 2 screens, and occasionally a third window. I don't deep dive, but I do focus intently
• Tab between tasks, and accidentally bring the wrong screen up, perhaps Reddit, or my emails, or an article I was reading at lunch
• Get distracted by the content of the screen I'm now looking at, even more likely if it has an alert, a "new post" note, or a notification tab.
• Eventually remember and go back to Task A and have to spend 10-15 minutes staring to remember wtf I was doing, with negative time points if the page I was in has timed out and is at a login or home screen again.
• Repeat all bloody day

Example 3:

• Doing Task A
• Email pings
• Check email and see it's junk or not for me or nothing with an action
• Read 50 emails unrelated to current Task
• Reminder pings to start Task B, breaking the Read Random Emails hyperfocus
• Remember and go back to Task A, while panicking about Task B
  
  
• This scenario is worse if the ping is my phone, because while I may only be checking for Important Messages, the amount of potentially distracting notifications on my phone is likely to be exponentially worse!

I've found Teams, while more initially distracting, is less executively distracting because it's fairly discrete - message pings, stay distracted for length of specific conversation, return to work. For this reason, I've found I prefer to turn to Teams to communicate when I'm "inside" a Task, instead of emailing. Emails involve thought - who to send to and whether To, CC, or BCC; Salutation; All the text needs to be clear - Teams chat has more space for clarification; and so on. Teams is "Hi, ~request~, Thanks!" and then discuss. Teams can also be "Um, do you know who to ask about X?", with a fast reply. Responses can be reactions, and it's far easier to upload images for Issue logging. And you can go DND and not get pings for the duration of a task!

In my own life this can play out in one of two major ways, plus an extra exec dysfunction addendum.

1. Distraction into a related thing

This happens a lot when I'm in the planning stages for an outfit. I can get distracted into deep diving into a random aspect of the costume, and one which ultimately doesn't really matter - e.g. all the varieties of shoes and boots worn in a specific year... Or the varieties in collars worn at that time, when what I actually needed to work on at that point was just whether Fabric A was a good choice to buy for this project.

2. Distraction because I'm overwhelmed and procrastinating

This most often happens when I am overwhelmed by the amount to do in a project, so in trying to break it down into smaller parts, I overfocus on something utterly insignificant to the detriment of the main components of the project. For example, at school ensuring that I underlined a title twice in a specific colour, rather than starting to write the introduction, and getting to the end of the period with a PERFECT title and no text. Yes, been there, done that!

3. Executive Dysfunction meaning I've got stuck in wrong task

This is one of the most irritating parts, for me. I'm doing something I don't even want to be doing, because my brain is not letting me switch to the thing I want to do. For example, playing a game when I actually want to go to bed. In this latter situation, I've very lucky that my spouse will come to me, ask me "do you need help", and then helps me break focus on the thing that's gripping me, and move onto bed, or showering, or going out, whatever it is that I would actually prefer to be doing. This help is invaluable because I need that external push to re-start my brain into a more productive/constructive direction. It's also, I suspect, sometimes the cause of brain weasels, thought spirals, and some of my panic attacks. My brain literally can't switch from Thought A, even though I want to, without some external input. I am very lucky to have someone to help me like this without judgement. 

~~~

Reading, Relaxing, and Resting

I'm on leave today, and I'm SO glad because frankly my brain has been hissing at me like this for quite a while! I need to take leave more frequently and not to do things, just to relax and reset. I find that I mostly take my leave to do things, to go places, or to focus on NotWork tasks. Which means I don't have time off to just read, just rest, just play games, and if I don't start doing this I'm going to burn out. This is especially important as I've been working full time since August, and may be permanently doing at least 0.8FTE in future. If I am going to work more hours, I need to carve out conscious brain rest times too, as I won't have my afternoons to do whatever the fuck I like (or nap, often it's just nap). That said, I have 3 more days I can book (well 11 hours, which is 3 "days"+0.5 hours). At least one of those is going to be so I can play Dragonflight on release day, because Why the Fuck NOT!

So what has this got to do with reading? Well, I love reading, it has been a joy in my life for as long as I can remember. I was a hyperlexic child, and started reading by about 2 - my mother remembers having to briefly step away one evening during my night-time story, and returning a few minutes later to find me trying to figure out the words so I could carry on with the story. Reading is part of my self-identity that I've never surrendered. However, I've repeatedly complained over the past 7/8 years I've been in my current job that I no longer seem to have the times to read - there was something for me about commuting and having a timetabled lunch break that meant I had defined reading times. Since being in my current job, which I love, I neither commute nor have set lunch breaks. Nor do I have people I want to have space from for a while during my breaks, especially now I'm home working. I'm trying to get myself into the habit/routine of reading before bed at least a few nights a week. I've been subscribed to Uncanny Magazine and Apex Magazine for a few years via Kickstarter, so I'm using these as my intentional evening reading. As both are collections of short stories (and long-shorts) they give me a definite thing to read, but which has a clear boundary that is easier to stick to than "Just One Chapter", but which I can go over if I have the spoons. At the same time, if I'm really tired one short story isn't so overwhelming as to put me off unlike starting a new book.

However, I'm also planning to sit down and work through the stack of library books I've borrowed but not read on the days where I'm using up my leave for this year. I've got the following 14 titles out on loan:

• Regent's Park : from Tudor hunting ground to the present / Rabbitts
• Elsewhens / Rawn
• The way of all flesh / Parry
• The hundred thousand kingdoms / Jemisin
• Thorn / Khanani
• The hunt / Neill
• Children of blood and bone / Adeyemi
• Blood of elves / Sapkowski
• Redemption's blade : after the war / Tchaikovsky
• Cursor's fury / Butcher
• Shadow and bone / Bardugo
• In ashes lie / Brennan
• The ten thousand doors of January / Harrow
• ✔ The grief of stones / Addison 

I read The Grief of Stones on my way back from my parents' at the beginning of October, so I'd like to get at least one more library book finished before the end of the month. I'd also like to get the current Apex issue read. Tomorrow, however, is for sewing / craft related shenanigans instead. Since I didn't manage to go to the Mrs Gaskell event due to sickness, I want to push that outfit into at least "better" territory (post to come on that process).

Life Planning

 Following on from my last post, I think I need to schedule some kind of life planning schema for my future. What do I want to do, what do I need to do/be/have in order to do this, and then a plan to work on an aspect of this each month. This plan is going to structured in such as way as to not constrain anything in particular to a specific day or date, but which acknowledges the factors necessary to achieve each step of the journey. I also accept and embrace that I may decide that certain factors are no longer of interest or important to me any more. 

We change, we adapt, and that's not bad!

This is version 0.1 of my "the rest of my life" plan. The format will be:

Ultimate goal - the final aim of this "thread"

Subordinate goals - goals which need to be separately aimed for in order to progress to the Ultimate Goal

Tasks - thinks that need to be done to achieve either Ultimate or Subordinate goals

Maintenance tasks - things that need to be done regularly or repeatedly in order to continue progress towards Ultimate and Subordinate goals. Like sleeping, these tasks don't necessarily take you closer to your goal each time, but completing them enables you to work on the other tasks, which do progress things.

I will include a flow-chart-like thing, which is to show how certain tasks filter into other tasks.

This layout works for craft projects, housework, anything really!

Today I am just going to write out my Ultimate Goals, and then a few wishy-washy things I have wanted but am not sure whether they still fit with me-now...

Ultimate Goals

Family:

Children - IF means not biological, so working towards DE and adoption.

Living - nearer to family OR nearer to access to family

House - slightly bigger, with a proper kitchen, a separate eating and resting room, and space for crafting. Home office if that remains a consideration

Career:

Earn more

Location

Work/life ratio

Responsibilities

Importance to organisation

Academics

Language skills - Russian to MA level

Further study - restart/continue MA studies; translation studies

More subjects - take course on geology, take course on corsetry, take course on pattern grading

Leisure activities

Sewing all my own clothes

Learn to grade clothes

Complete set of clothes for each decade from 1800

Getting sidetracked. And managing being sidetracked.

 While I don't have ADHD (to my knowledge!) my ASD symptoms overlap to some extent. One big area of dysfunction for me is what is known in my house as the "Oooh shinies" - or "squirrelling" or "butterflies"... Basically it's when I'm happily involved in one project or concept, and stumble across something else, and now need to research the hell out of it. 

I've recently noticed how it affect craft projects too. At first, it wasn't a major problem - researching cloth, colours (hello recent post on Clarence Blue!), or fabric weaves wasn't too far from my existing point of research. I've been stressing at work this week, which has triggered hypersomnia for me (not unusual), so I've been mostly a semi-zombie from mid afternoon for the last week or so. I spent yesterday evening vaguely moving crafty ideas around on Trello to create a list of a) what I own, and b) a plan for making it (whether that be 2 years hence or whatever). The trigger for that was that the other week Black Snail had a sale on some of their PDF patterns, so I bought a bunch, including two full sets of patterns to make for my husband (when I've never made men's clothes before, so guess I'm learning that!). 

I bought three intentional patterns, plus some others because they were on offer (foolish, but at least PDFs don't take up space or get damaged!):

1. Spencer/Redingote

2. Regency/1830s bonnet.

3. Corset, petticoat and chemise pattern (1830s, but the corset still has the line for the 1818 dress, and this is a corded one which I was particularly interested in trying).

4. Jacket, trousers, and waistcoat patterns for c1890s

5. Jacket, trousers, and waistcoat patterns for c1830s

6. Fan-skirt (1890s)

7. Edwardian blouse

I also received my Laughing Moon dress pattern for the Regency dress. So, way forward is obvious, no? Here was my plan:

1. Mock up corset and adjust for sizing - use medieval shift for underneath for fitting
   Adjust, rinse, repeat.
2. Mock up dress with basic corseting for sizing
   Adjust etc.
3. Make a petticoat using dress pattern to follow the same shape.
   Consider cording bottom inch of hem per Black Snail pattern
4. Make corset properly in decent fabric
5. Make dress properly in decent fabric
6. Evaluate time to event
   If time:
7. Make bonnet
8. Mock up spencer
9. Make spencer
   If insufficient time:
10. Buy a large appropriate shawl
11. Buy a bonnet or other head covering

I started looking at each pattern to figure out the yardage, and found myself adding in the Fan-skirt, and then the Edwardian blouse patterns to my mental pile as well.

It now looks like I have found the fabric for making the fan-skirt before I've even started looking for the corset fabric. Argh! 

Having sat down and evaluated, though, I'm more comfortable now with starting with the skirt. It's been a while since I last did a proper sewing project - possibly even a decade now. The fan-skirt pattern is relatively straight forward, only really fits at one point on my body (waist), and is mostly formed of long straight seams. I think that starting with that pattern might actually be wise, because it will get me back into the swing of things - especially if I machine sew the long seams as it's even longer since I last used a machine to sew! Completing something will also give me a boost to work on the longer drag of the complicated corset mock ups, which will be hard and also almost completely new skills for me.

I also want to make the blouse, but that's possibly less urgent (I'll need to have a look at what I own that I can wear with the skirt once it's made). 

My NEW plan is:

1. September into October
   Fan-skirt from a wool blend
   If I like it, and it's not too complex, I'd like to make another in pure wool.
2. October
   Mock up corset
3. October into November (as time off from Regency projects)
   Mock up blouse and then make properly
4. November
   Mock up dress
5. December 
   Finalise corset
6. January
   Final dress
7. February
   Petticoat
8. March
   Chemise

Assuming that I can make one item a month, then I will have time to make make a bonnet - it does looks fun! And even possibly have time to make a spencer or redingote. 

Why that order?
Well the chemise is a) easiest to buy, and b) I can use an old medieval one for the purpose of fittings, so that goes at the bottom of the list. The petticoat can potentially be skipped, although the silhouette will be better with it, so that is next least important. The big change is my decision to weave the non-Regency items in amongst the Regency ones to give myself a break from the project. This is what brings me back to the ADHD comment. The ADHD community is really open about project and self-management, and in acknowledging the perennial problems of accidental distraction. I will write (one day?) about the (complementary) differences in self-help between the two communities. Anyway, one of the suggestions for managing distraction is to acknowledge it, and to actively manage it but NOT suppress it. What does that mean here? Well, basically, I acknowledge that I'm feeling the lure of another project, and I can permit myself add it to my list of things I'm making, but not both the later pieces. Secondly, I acknowledge that I'm likely to start getting distracted during the more complicated parts of my Regency project which means I need to consider two things: Breaking the project into completable chunks, and Building in distraction. Building in distraction for me, means factoring in some different or simpler tasks to weave in around those complicated overwhelming ones. Those tasks can give me the completion buzz to help continue with the main tasks. It's something I've been doing in my career for a while, and I need to bring it into my personal life too. 

And now I need to make do the Tesco order I've been forgetting to do all week. And set a reminder to collect my pills from the pharmacy tomorrow. Reminders - I need them!!

Oh, and finally, yes, this post is indeed a sidetrack in itself - I was actually writing a completely different post. Hey ho...

Self-help and the Neurodiverse communities - My experience

 This is a post I started writing in September 2020. Lets see how long it takes me to actually finish it! Hopefully less time than the one on Executive Dysfunction...

[Edit: It's October 2022 and I'm just going to publish this as it, chaos and all. It's hard to post later things that refer back to something that was Never Actually Published! I'm adding ends to some sentences, but I will write and schedule another post building on this later today rather than continually failing to release this one... I've back-dated the posting date.]

So, the ADHD and ASD communities have a lot of overlap, both in regards to the members of the community, and in the symptoms which each disorder has as symptomatic. They are still considered (as of DSM-V) to be separate conditions, but diagnosing one can sometimes mean actively seeking to rule out the other. All that said, the two communities support their tribes in different ways, but they're complementary not contradictory. As I age, I am finding that I benefit from dipping into each community for advice or support with different deficits, and that each community can be better at assisting with different kinds of issues.

So where do I go for what assistance types?

ADHD Community

The ADHD community is used to being vilified as "can't complete", always seeking the new thrill, and as being utterly disorganised. At extremes they're seen as incompetent and unable to successfully finish anything. Harmful stereotypes, which the community is there to support their fellows in finding ways through the disconnects. 

I turn to the ADHD community when I need help managing my executive dysfunction, my squirrelly brain, or just for managing feelings of uselessness.

Cartoonists like Dani Donovan (ADHDDD) and Pina (ADHD Alien) help me in two ways:

1. Identifying a trait that I have that I didn't know I was struggling with

2. Providing a space for discussion (e.g. on Twitter) about management of that specific trait in the cartoon

These two artists, in particular, have really helped me understand myself and my own struggles with life. Understanding is one major (and vital) step towards managing something. I can't manage what I don't know or understand.

I also have found a lot of being seen and support through the How to ADHD channel on YouTube.

ASD Community

The ASD community often focuses more on interpersonal communication. How to do it, how to fake it, whether it's worth faking it. Dealing with "masks" is another common topic of conversation within autism-related communities. Unlike the ADHD guys, we were seen as the bright ones who were a bit weird, as opposed to being the lazy one who "would do so well if we just applied ourselves"... This leads to different areas of low confidence. Interestingly, I feel far more confident in giving out advice on the ASD side, than within the ADHD groups - is this just because I have an ASD diagnosis? No idea!

Life thoughts -- Rough Schedule

This is a rough schedule of the posts I am currently plannign to write, am writing, or have already written (posted or scheduled).

On Saturday I will be publishing the first in this Life Thoughts series, which will be on two big questions: "Who am I?", and, "Where do I want to be?", designed to help me focus my energies, spoons, and life goals more realistically. Not answering those questions, but explaining them as a framework for the rest of the series.

ASD in my life, in particular around specific impairments and/or adjustments I've made

• Executive dysfunction -- in progress.
• Being assessed, how to "de-mask", how to find an assessor, how the process was for me
• Co-morbidities

Academia

• Research goals - things I want to research myself
• Research interests - things I want to learn or understand, but am content just reading others' research
• vIMC commentary
• Study vs Appreciate, which subjects / areas go under which category
• Series on research progress
• Being AltAc

Crafting

• History-bounding -- in progress
• My periods
• Crafts for me
• Sewing plans
• Dream projects
• A series on project progress, including pre
• Gatherings - British Guild of Historical Costumers and other groups

Health & Personal bits

• Family, Infertility, IVF, and so on
• Mental health and ASD
• Disabled vs Impaired vs Having a disability
• Living arrangements
• Work/self/academic balancing

I plan to work on these as the whim takes me, but should anyone be reading this and want me to prioritise something in particular, do ask...

Start of the rest of my life

Long time no write. I've drafted a few posts, but not actually released them. As part of a general life overhaul thing, I'm going to stop that. Yes, one long-arse post will remain in draft for a fair while as fixing the code is an arse, but in general I need to get into the habit of just writing something each month at least. Will it always be "on brand"? Nope, but new habits only form if we do the thing!

So, what's up? With the pandemic, I've had the time to stop and think. I've been thinking a lot on two particular questions: "Who Am I?" and then "Where do I want to be?"

To this end, my plan for today is to start drafting a number of posts on various subjects investigating these questions, and then to schedule them for posting. I may need to go back and tidy some later, but the schedules will be set up well in advance. I will also need to decide how frequently to release them - too close and it's all a bit much, too far apart and it'll take a year to cover just my thoughts from this week! I'm thinking a theme a month, and then splitting them up into smaller posts maybe up to one a week. We shall see!

I'm also planning on having a weekly or monthly check-in post where I keep myself accountable (to me) on what I've achieved this week/month. Might be work stuff, crafty projects, some research, a new skill, house fixing, health progress, or more formal academics. Doesn't matter. The point is to get in the habit of saying "I did a thing!".

It May be June - Conferencing While Aspie

Just a quick check in to keep the ball rolling on posting at least semi-regularly, since I missed May completely.

So, what have I done?

Mostly, have a bad mood crash, two big meltdowns, and recover from two conferences.

I love going to conferences, but they really wreck my mental health because I'm having to process so much social interaction. Borderlines was fantastic, for example, but I broke on the third day because my Aspie brain couldn't function any more. I don't think that there is any way in which conference organisers could reduce that for me, it's on me to manage this and I did so poorly that time. So, how do I manage conferences?

1. Make sure my accommodation is as close as possible to the venue is important.
   This isn't always possible - using Borderlines as an example, TCD is smack bang in the centre of Dublin and right on almost all the tourist hotspots, so affordable accommodation was not anywhere near. We stayed with a friend a short way out instead, which was lovely, but meant each day was very long.
2. Don't always go for coffee breaks.
   Skipping that small amount of social interaction is against the idea of conference socialisation but it gives me a much needed brain break. Taking time with no interaction for 10 minutes in the quiet of an empty conference room is very valuable. Plus if I'm getting brain tired, I'm more likely to make a prat of myself!
3. Make sure I get sufficient sleep.
   The more interaction I need to have (and I do enjoy it!), the more sleep I need to recuperate. Acknowledging that fact took a while as I used to just push until I fell over. Now I know sleep is an essential part of the day for me. This means that I can't afford to go out for the evening with other delegates, although I "budget" in the conference dinner to ensure that I don't waste the gift of networking and geeking all at once.
4. Drink lots of water
   Seriously, staying hydrated makes a fantastic difference. Drinking water also allows me to pause before communicating - important when stressed to get my brain in the socially acceptable mode. In addition, toilets are quiet places where I can legitimately recoup some brain space.
5. Eat carefully
   Stress does a number on my digestion, and any social interaction is stressful, so trying to eat plainly can help because I'm not upsetting an already stressed digestive system. Stopping the cycle of stressed - bad tummy - stressed over bad tummy is essential too!
6. Don't go straight back to work!
   Sounds strange, but wherever possible I take an extra day of leave from work when going to conferences so that I have a day or two to 'ground' myself. If I can't do that, I try to at least work from home. Fairly simple but long journeys can work for that too - travelling back from Dublin involves 3-4 hours on a single train back from Holyhead to London, which was great for just being allowed to zone out.
7. Lastly - Plan travel carefully
   Planning travel is always sensible when you have an event to go to, but planning carefully is slightly different. Planning carefully means
• Travel up the night before - no stressing over "will I get there in time" on the first day
• Consider staying overnight afterwards so no stress about packing and getting to the conference, nor worries over where to store baggage during the day.
• Pick trains without tight connections - while I can usually get between most London terminals in 10-20 minutes, take the longer connections and arrive unsweaty and (more) relaxed.
• For Ireland - Book onto the ferry before the one you need. I learned this the hard way going to Belfast! If there is any problem with a ferry sailing, you don't want to be stuck in the wrong country when you are supposed to be giving your paper, so try to book one to get there the night or day before if at all possible. If getting the overnight ferry again, I'll give myself a whole day before the conference, not a few hours.

Do I still have meltdowns and wobbles even following the above? Of course, but for me the ideas on the above list help me to manage myself more sensibly. Conferencing while autistic, for me, is all about reducing risks and stressors, and appreciating that the fun thing (the conference) is also one of the major stressors in itself.

~~

What's coming up?

Main task is cracking on with my transcriptions for my thesis rewrite as I want to have all three done and dusted by the end of September (or even August). This is where I miss working term-time only and having all of August off work!
Attached to that is chasing for my feedback as I've still not received it, which means I'm a bit in the dark as to how they want Chapters 4/5 fixing. Chapter 1 I'm somewhat clearer on, but I'd prefer the feedback before I go too far down the wrong rabbit hole...

No IMC Leeds this year :( I'm not giving a paper and I couldn't justify the expense. I'm still rather sad about that as there are, as always, a number of really useful papers being given which I'd love to hear... Hopefully some will be shared on Academia afterwards. In fact, I may use any spare time (ha!) to do something I had an idea of before - creating a list linking paper titles with papers shared online. With things as they are now, storifys of twitter hashtags would be good BUT takes some of the control away from the author which I know some dislike. Perhaps hashtags/storifies* for roundtables unless curated by the speaker(s).

End of this month (June), I'm going to a Portfolio Building Workshop, to start preparing my Chartership portfolio.

~~

* Storify, storifys, storifies? Not sure...

** Why do I keep stressing "for me" in my list? Because all people on the autistic spectrum are different, and while my techniques may help others, we're not all going to respond to the same things.

April - Am I a Fool?

Well I survived my viva, and I wasn't kicked out or told to go away. I do have corrections, but with plenty of time to do them in, so unpressured. I have a broad outline of the changes they want me to make, and I'm fairly happy with them.

• Chapter 1 needs "tightening", although I await their detailed comments to know exactly how they want that to be achieved. One area I do know they want, is for me to mention more of my background reading for the prime reason of letting it show in the bibliography. Slightly tedious, but it's no skin off my nose to do it, so I'm happy.
    
• Chapter 3 they want to see my own transcriptions alongside my translations. I had originally had mine in, but wasn't happy with them and lacked time to redo them. I am actually looking forward to having a good reason to go at that bit again :)
   
• Chapters 4 & 5 they felt would be better merged. Chapter 5 was, in my opinion, the most clunky of the whole thesis, so of all the ones to pick on, that's the one that I am least attached to in it's current form.

Overall, I accept their criticisms, especially as something that will not only strengthen this thesis, but stand me in good stead for the PhD as well.

Plans:

1. Work on paper for Borderlines in Dublin - just over a fortnight away now so I need to get cracking. Currently reading up on opinions on chantry foundations as I don't want to get wrong assumptions that will kill my logic.
    
2. Work on paper for EMREM in Birmingham - this is broadly the same area as the Dublin paper, but from a slightly different angle. Hoping to get some good questions in Dublin to bring into this paper. Regardless, I need it close to done before I go to Ireland as it's easier for me to amend than write.
    
3. Go through detailed revisions notes once received from the examiners (probably next week).
4. Think seriously on getting myself Chartered Librarian status over the next 12 months while I have the opportunity. It's mostly portfolio-of-current-work so I'd be surprised if it impinged on studies.

Other stuff:

TGO put in for a transfer to a long-term project nearer to me, so keeping my fingers crossed about that. Having just spent a week up with him after my viva I'm badly missing the chit-chat that you have when someone's in the same room/house as you.

Counting pennies to see if I can afford Leeds this year. I really want to go, but not sure about finances.

MA to PhD:

I have up to 12 months to resubmit.
I can start the PhD in either January or September following a pass.
Supervisor is on research leave from September 2016 for 3 years.
So,
Get as much rewritten before September so I can get full feedback from her along the way.
Find a second internal supervisor, probably from History since my Principal Supervisor is from English.
Focus on LIFE bits to get them processed ASAP and thus completed within that 12 months as well
Aiming to restart September 2017, as January 2017 is a bit close for the entire process from corrections through the External examiner to acceptance, in my opinion.

~~

Revisiting my old plans from October...:

1. Make Christmas presents - sloe gin and maybe a flavoured vodka again.
   Made damson vodka instead. Had the flavoured vodka from last year as a NYE drink and loved it, so I now want to make more!
2. Rewrite my paper for Borderlines into an article. The paper didn't feel like it 'worked' well, to me, so I really want to go back to it, pull it apart and fix it.
   Still a plan, still not happened. Maybe in May/June
3. Create the database I'll need for the PhD research - I can't assume I'll fail miserably, so I'm just going to get on with it.
   Postponed for 9 months or so
4. Start databasing some of the data for my PhD - it will need doing some time
   As above. Concentrating on getting the MA thesis "right"
5. Read for fun - novels and non-research nonfiction
   Aiming at 1-2 books a month, but have also upped my intake of short stories.
6. Do some sewing - I have patterns for a dress, top and a skirt I want to make, and now I have the time. (Simplicity 3847, New Look 6808, Simplicity 3673)
   Made Mum a peg bag for Mothering Sunday (she asked for one). Not started on clothes yet. Current bad excuse is that I need a tailor's dummy - I either need to stump up or shut up on that one really.
7. Join an exercise class, or a dance class. Maybe belly dancing! Something to get me fit, but without boring me senseless, like I find I get in a gym.
   Um, oops
8. Level all my Warcraft characters to 100. What, I never said I wasn't a geek!
   10/11 on main account. Secondary account lapsed due to finances for now.

February Round-Up - Marching on

February is a short month. This year it started as another one of nothing much going on, but almost as the month ended that lethargy was followed by sudden urgent movement.

At the start of February I still had no idea what was happening with my MA thesis and was planning to discuss it with my supervisor “soon”. After many weeks of drifting aimlessly, I pulled myself together and submitted abstracts for two conferences – Borderlines in Dublin and the EMREM Symposium in Birmingham. To my surprise and pleasure I have since been notified that I’ve been accepted to do both papers.

On 25^th & 26^th I was at Quadrivium, which was being held in Leicester this year. I’ll try to remember to do a write-up of that separately as it was another good year IMO. As hoped, my supervisor was at Quad, so we had a brief chat and she STRONGLY encouraged me to contact the department on the Monday to chase my thesis progress. Back home on the Saturday, however, that plan was hastily dropped as I was met by a letter inviting me for a viva on either 17^th or 22^nd March. So the last three days of February have been panic stations trying to organise myself and my brain back to September, when I submitted the thesis.

Currently I’m still waiting on official confirmation that I’m being 'done' on the 22^nd (couldn’t get the 17^th off work due to meetings), but all being well that’s what should be happening. Plan now is:

• Go up to UniCity the night before and crash in a Youth Hostel near the station overnight
• Head into campus in the morning.
• Viva is "make myself available from 12 noon"
• Attend lecture that evening on campus (nice coincidence) – assuming I’m not a complete wreck!
• Head to TGO to spend Easter there (*happy dance*, have arranged 3 days working from home and been asked to attend a meeting at a site not far from TGO's residence so perfect timing)
• ~ Easter ~
• House clearing and tidying so we get a bit closer to selling and then living together permanently again
• Head back Weds after Easter

Once the viva is gone, I will be able to focus on any corrections (I’ve already found some I want to do!), and then the papers for Dublin and Birmingham. Despite all the stress of preparing for an upcoming viva, I can honestly say I’m glad because I can once again see forward. However terrifying the viva is in my head, and may be in practice, I have something I can work towards, which is so much better than sitting on my hands waiting and worrying...

A side benefit is that it has prodded me to chase down the letter with my official ASD diagnosis on it, to provide to my examiners.

February post

Nothing much to add this month. Currently stuck waiting for a gas man for the second day running - just what I wanted to do on my week off!

Still waiting on my MA thesis - even if all is well, I'm now not expecting to start the PhD before Easter at the earliest.

I'd hit a hiatus in research reading because I'd tied myself into mental knots. How? Well, I'd got into the loop of what should I be reading on - further depth for MA thesis, or onwards into reading for the PhD. I think that I'd convinced myself that A) I shouldn't read more for the MA thesis because I shouldn't change where I was (Hmm!), and B) I shouldn't read for the PhD yet because I'd jinx it (Double hmm!). I exasperate myself.

This week I've consciously been trying to break that and start reading again regardless, and it's working.

Currently reading: Peters / Patterns of piety.

Plans for February:
 Quadrivium in Leicester
 Kathryn Rudy lecture in Cambridge.

November

So, I gave myself October off from study, apart from going up to a lecture at the John Rylands in Manchester one weekend. I've read lots of fiction for the first time in ages, and made my Goodreads target for 2015.

But now it's November and I've had my birthday so time to look to the next step. Which is what?
I can't assume I've passed through my MA with no revisions, so I plan to spend November re-reading it and looking for mistakes the examiners will want fixing. So far I've fixed some glaring grammatical errors in my abstract. Hope that's the worst of it!

I'm also working on some personal stuff while the pressure is relatively light, or at least when I can do nothing about it... We shall see what comes of that soon, hopefully!

October

Rabbits and hares and white rabbits.

It's October, and a lovely autumn day here. I'm sitting in my office at work looking out of the window and there's a lovely sunshine out there right now. The leaves on the walk home are also a fabulous colour which really cheers me up.

Academically I'm in limbo stage, but still a student. As I understand it, here is how things go from here. Bear in mind this is for the MA by Research NOT the PhD.

• Submit hard copy (with all the forms) - DONE
• Hard copies are sent to my internal and external reviewers - probably going to be sent next week, I was told.
• Both reviewers have about 8 weeks to turn around their feedback.
• I receive the feedback and have one of about 5 results
• Pass with no amendments
• Minor amendments (e.g. typos, small changes to specific areas)
• Major amendments (e.g. rewrite sections, add in X element)
• Revise and resubmit (End to end revision and resubmission as a semi-new thesis)
• Fail
• I respond to the result, and act accordingly.
• Pass (unlikely)
• Minor - edit, resubmit within 3 months, sent back to internal examiner to accept
• Major - edit, resubmit within 6 months, sent back to external examiner to accept
• Revise and resubmit - edit, resubmit within 1 year, restart review process
• Fail - no PhD place
• Viva is unlikely but a slim possibility, mostly if an examiner wishes clarification on an area covered OR you are borderline failing (do you know your stuff just can't write for toffee?!).
• I start the PhD (unless FAIL), 1st of the month after the thesis is accepted (HOPEFULLY January 2016).

So until at least November I can do nothing except wait, which is completely nerve-wracking.

Right now I've got student status for the year, but no fees to pay until accepted or not. Financially this is nice as it means we can save the money for other important stuff (#1, finish fixing the house!).

Despite this, I cannot just stop dead. Here's my plans for the next few months:

• Make Christmas presents - sloe gin and maybe a flavoured vodka again.
• Rewrite my paper for Borderlines into an article. The paper didn't feel like it 'worked' well, to me, so I really want to go back to it, pull it apart and fix it.
• Create the database I'll need for the PhD research - I can't assume I'll fail miserably, so I'm just going to get on with it.
• Start databasing some of the data for my PhD - it will need doing some time
• Read for fun - novels and non-research nonfiction
• Do some sewing - I have patterns for a dress, top and a skirt I want to make, and now I have the time. (Simplicity 3847, New Look 6808, Simplicity 3673)
• Join an exercise class, or a dance class. Maybe belly dancing! Something to get me fit, but without boring me senseless, like I find I get in a gym.
• Level all my Warcraft characters to 100. What, I never said I wasn't a geek!

If I fail? To be honest, I'm going to do the research anyway, but I'll have less support etc. I am doing this for the pleasure, not as a career move, so why on earth would I stop doing something I already enjoy?

The International Medieval Congress in 2016 (Leeds)

Last Updated: 27 August 2015

For my own interest I'm gathering together here a list of any Calls for Papers (CfP) for the IMC 2016 in Leeds. The individual paper closing date is 31 August 2015.

31 Aug 2015	The Dominican Order in the Middle Ages	Ordernsgeschichte
31 Aug 2015	Academic Englishes and Academia in the Making: Who Will Write the Middle Ages and How?	Zsuzsanna Reed, CEU
1 Sept 2015	Artisans of the book and collaborative working methods	Manuscript Collaboration Hub
1 Sept 2015	The Long Lives of Medieval Art and Architecture	Amanda Dotseth, Courtauld Institute of Art / AVISTA
8 Sept 2015	Food, Feast and Famine, 3 sessions proposed	Royal Studies Network
10 Sept 2015	Topic: Names & Onomastics	Dictionary of Medieval Names from European Sources
10 Sept 2015	Session proposals for ICMA (ICMA members only) – scroll down	Janis Elliott / ICMA
11 Sept 2015	The Animal Turn in Medieval Health Studies	Sunny Harrison, Leeds
14 Sept 2015	Eating the Book: Manuscripts and Reading Habits in Anglo-Saxon England (Image)	Rachel Burns (UCL) & Francis Leneghan (Oxford)
15 Sept 2015	Interactions among towns and leagues of towns in the long thirteenth century	Dr Gianluca Raccagni
15 Sept 2015	Rethinking the Medieval Frontier	Jonathan Jarrett
15 Sept 2015	The Monastic Refectory and Spiritual Food	CESM
15 Sept 2015	2 sessions: Food and Feast in Medieval Outlaw Texts Ecocritical Outlaws	Kristin Bovaird-Abbo & Lesley A. Coote / IAHRS
ASAP or 15 Sept 2015	The Medieval Landscape/Seascape (blog)	Kimm Curran (Glasgow)
ASAP or 15 Sept 2015	New Directions in the Study of Women Religious (4 sessions)	Kimm Curran (Glasgow) & Kirsty Day (Leeds) & Steven Vanderputten (Ghent)
20 Sept 2015	Medieval Equestrianism: Theory and Practice	Anastasija Ropa & Timothy Dawson
[Unspecified]	Topic: Letters to Women (panel), esp. Letters to Jewish or Muslim women	@KRMaude
[Unspecified]	Medieval Ecocriticism	Heide Estes / Medieval Ecocriticisms
[Unspecified]	"If anyone is interested in putting up sessions for the International Medieval Congress at Leeds [...] under the auspices of the IPPS, please contact us."	Piers Plowman Society
[Unspecified]	Food + Death / Food in Death / Food + Wills	@Emy_Pica
30 Sept 2015	IMC Committee Deadline for Organisers of Sessions / Panels
[Closed]	Murder and Mayhem: Disorder and Violence in Italy 568-1154	---
[Closed]	Feast or Famine? What Presence did the Bible Really Have in Medieval Spiritual Writings?	The Society for the Study of the Bible in the Middle Ages
[Closed]	Mastering Knowledge and Power: Bishops, Schools and Political Engagement in Early Medieval Europe (650-1050)	Giorgia Vocino & Giacomo Vignodelli
[Closed]	Slavery in the Medieval World (PDF)	"Medieval Slavery" project
[Closed]	The Separation of Church and Church Bishops and their Communities in the Carolingian Era (8th-10th c.) (Thematic session)	SFB Visions of Community & the Network for the Study of Late Antique and Early Medieval Monasticism
[Closed]	Debating Relics: Reflections on Relics in the Middle Ages and Problems of Methodology	"Mind over Matter" project
[Closed]	Setting the Table: Medieval Tablescapes, Dining, and the Visual Culture of Food (scroll down) (Facebook)	Meg Bernstein / ICMA Student Committee

Any more I've missed? Leave a comment, or tweet @MEM_PG_Confs with the details.

#IMC2016.

Self-Doubt

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." 

~ Douglas Adams (Simpson, 2003)

---

Or perhaps I ought to quote Britney with “Oops, I did it again!” but that’s a shuddersome thought, so I shall NOT go there *fingers in ears, whistling*

I am good at talking myself out of doing things because I doubt myself to the point where I convince myself it’s pointless trying. It is something about myself I am trying my hardest to stop now that I’ve caught myself doing it, and I’m realising it’s a fault I’ve been guilty of over most of my life so it’s going to be a hard habit to break, but ultimately one I NEED to fix.

So far this year I have not done many things I wanted to do. This is pathetic and I must fix it.
To self shame, here is my list of things I've not done because I've talked myself out of it. Some are retrievable and I WILL do so.

• Applied to Manchester (MA / MRes) 
• Applied to Leeds (MRes) 
• Applied to Trinity St. David’s (MA) 
• Contacted Birmingham (MRes) 
• Applied for an awesome Institutional Repository job 
• Applied for another half dozen jobs

It’s June, that means 6 months of this year gone. I need to be realistic and pragmatic, but I also need to take some risks. Not bad risks, just to try things that might fail. I’ve made a small start – I have applied to some jobs which are probably beyond my reach (Hi there Oxbridge), which would be dream opportunities for me. Not all of this has been self-doubt and procrastination though – I’ve lost the last two weekends to in-law deaths and big figure family birthdays, which I things I have to acknowledge as being beyond my control.

I will say though, that more and more jobs are fibbing about what is Essential vs. Desirable. It used to be (or at least it seemed that way), that if you met all the essentials, you would get a call to interview, but now it seems that unless you also meet ALL the desirables, you’re not really in with a chance. Either that or every single job I’ve applied for over the last year or so has had someone already in mind, which I doubt!

My plan to stop dithering:

1. Complete MRes draft by Next weekend – all the background is done, the reading that isn’t complete can be done after I’ve passed it to Potential Supervisor #1 for commentary
   Problems to solve – “I’m not good enough!” “My research idea is poor!” “They’ll laugh at me” and “But it’s not perfect!” 
2. Apply for a job per week – if I don’t get interviews, I don’t get interviews, but it’s practice at selling myself
   Problems to solve – “I’m not good enough!” “My experience is insufficient!” “I don’t know how to describe how I know it” 
3. Fill in applications for Manchester(s) and TSD
   Problems – Pretty much as for #1 
4. Contact Potential Supervisor #2 – while doing background reading I noticed that two people who are/have been researching related aspects had both had the same PhD supervisor in the last couple of years. I will send Draft to her and ask whether they feels this is an area they could supervise.
   Problems to solve – All of #1 PLUS “They won’t want to talk to someone like me!” and “They won’t even bother to reply”

Initial responses to my internal wibblings:

“I’m not good enough!”
I have a good (2:1) undergraduate degree from a perfectly good university and an MA from prestigious one. I am passionate and interested.

“My research idea is poor!”
That is what the submission of the first draft to supervisor will challenge (either me or the idea!)

“They’ll laugh at me” / “They won’t want to talk to someone like me!”
If they do, I won’t go there, but most academics I have spoken to have been positive and encouraging. The only knockbacks have actually been from administrators at a general level, or from other faculties (i.e. ones I wasn’t interested in anyway!)

“They won’t even bother to reply”
That has only happened once, and I probably didn’t approach the situation in the correct way. This time I have spoken to Academic #1 in person (who asked me to send a draft), and I will contact #2 with draft so that there is something to discuss rather than a vague “I’d like to study with you”.

“But it’s not perfect!”
It won’t be – I have to just deal with that fact!

“I’m not good enough!”
Try, learn, try again, learn more

“My experience is insufficient!”
13 years post graduation is NOT insufficient (in general)! Work with The Ginger One to practice elaborating on what I have done so that I bring out the skills I’ve learnt.

“I don’t know how to describe how I know it”
Practice. Work with TGO to sell myself more positively. Keep a running list of “things wot I ‘ave done”, especially for vague concepts like Project Management, Working through Change, etc.

Added bonus one:

“It’s too late in the year”
Then the application will be for NEXT September or a January start. Get it in, get sorted out, get the place secured as early as possible instead of rushing.

---

Simpson, M.J. (2003) Hitchhiker : a biography of Douglas Adams

Motivation

Motivational assistance from elsewhere...:

1st Century Skills / Will Richardson
Get Your Goals and Projects out of Your Head and onto Paper / Tanya Golash-Boza
Almost anything from Stupid Motivational Tricks.

This is probably going to be one of those posts I add things to as I find them, and is mostly for my own reference, but ideas are gratefully received...

Images

Just a short, backdated post to source the images I am using on the front page of this blog.

1. The cover banner is from p. 14 of Cultureru.com's Medieval Bestiary.
   It is entitled Pica et Picus by the site, and shows a magpie and a woodpecker set within medalions.
   Source: Bestiary, Росси́йская национальная библиотека имени М.Е. Салтыкова-Щедрина, (Russian National Library / Saltykov-Shchedrin Library), St.Petersburg (MS LatQ.v.V.I) [Exact citation not given on source]



2. My icon is of Conradin from the Codex Manesse (Folio 7r). Original image: http://diglit.ub.uni-heidelberg.de/diglit/cpg848/0009