Why I Prefer Travelling by Train

 I've decided to develop on one aspect of my previous post regarding why I find train travel to be enabling.

Train travel

Stressors when travelling by train:

• Packing what I need in a way I can carry
• Ensuring that I have bought my ticket and reservation
• Having my passport, and not losing it in transit
• Ensuring that I am at the station in sufficient time to get on it
• Ensuring that I am on the correct train, carriage, and seat
• Finding my booked seat (and potentially removing people sitting in it)
• Making any connections if the train is delayed.
• Keeping my luggage secure while travelling
• Carrying my bags - always plural because I like to pack for contingencies!
• Passport control on arrival - illogical panic of "will they let me in?"
• If disembarking at an intermediate stop, being prepared and ready to get off promptly as the train can't wait for me to realise where I am

Calming aspects:

• The long "transition" time, which allows me many hours (or even days if on a sleeper) to adjust to the new location and language.
  This was the new big revelation for me... 
• Trains usually have many toilets
• More space at your seat - especially if you have a table seat - allowing physical comfort and the ability to do calming activities like colouring or reading
• Easier access to in-journey baggage - if I can get into my bag more easily I can change what I'm doing, whereas on a plane getting into the overhead locker can be problematic
• Interesting views out of the window
• Less stress over "forbidden" items, like phones, chargers etc.
• It's actively encouraged to bring your own food, or there may be a restaurant car in longer distance trains
• Being able to bring and use "my" water bottle all through the journey
• No DVT risks because you can always get up and move around whenever you want/need.
• Better travel information - not only do most train stations have clear and repeated signage, but they often share the information proactively on travel apps so you can track your journey as it happens
• Train stations are more likely to be centrally located within cities, and can be within walking distance of your accommodation
• If you miss your train, whether by your own actions or a connection delay, most railway staff are willing to proactively help you to change your bookings to allow you to complete your journey without incurring extra costs
• When changing trains you can experience the city you are in without major administrative hassle
• Passport control is frequently done on the train while it is moving across the border, reducing or removing the need to stand in long queues on arrival, and staff are also less stressed

Aeroplane travel

Stressors:

• Packing what is needed within weight limits
• Trusting someone else to not damage my luggage in transit
• Trusting someone else to ensure that my luggage arrives when and where I do
• Being certain that I do have the right tickets etc. for travel
• Getting to the airport (ironically usually by train for me)
• Checking in on time at the airport
• Finding the right gate
• Cost of food / drink at the airport
• Having enough water, but not too much, and not being comfortable using "my" bottle in case it gets confiscated
• Being surrounded by stressed out people
• Border security - can be frightening, especially if searched
• Making sure I have support socks to avoid DVT
• Pressure to find your seat really quickly because the aeroplane can't leave until everyone is seated.
• Cramped seating
• Lack of knowledge of when, whether, or what food will be served in flight - flying Business Class can help with that.
• Difficulty of accessing personal items in bags during the flight
• Reduced ability to move about
• Nothing to look at most of the time 
• Not easy to have any meaningful interaction with interchange cities as hard to leave the airport even on multi-hour layovers

Calming aspects:

• Less time for things to go wrong
• Can arrange pick up and drop off collection at the destination
• Language barriers are less as airports usually provide information in most major languages, and have staff available to assist in those languages - important when your travel companions are not linguistically-inclined. 
• Simpler journeys
• less likely to need connections 
• flights are usually point to point
• less chance of getting off at the wrong stop, because there is only one
• Single destination means more organised disembarkation, and no risk of being left behind on the aeroplane

Reflection

Sometimes which method I choose is based on the importance of a specific stressor/calming effect in that specific instance. If money is an issue, and when isn't it, then acknowledgding the stressors of flying and building in accommodations becomes necessary. 

Accommodations I try to use now when flying to a destination, or in a holiday where flying is necessary:

• Flying business class if financially viable
• less stress over check in as queue opens first
• choice of food
• more space
• quiet lounge spaces
• priority boarding - less stress over finding seat in time
•  Not being ashamed to ask for support on arrival at the airport 
• Escort through security
• Using sunflower lanyard to communicate needs
• Advocating for my need for a support person nearby 
• Accepting priority boarding if offered
• Using digital check-ins to reduce people contact in high stress areas
• Arriving at the airport as early as possible so that I can get through the stressful parts as quickly and early as possible.
• Booking collection at Arrivals and a return journey to the airport so I don't have to worry about that.
• Ensuring that my accommodation is close by where I want to be/visit. If I'm going to a city, staying in the centre, if I'm going to an event then staying at or as close as possible to the event.
• Allowing 1-2 "reset" days on arrival and return. I can do it, but I'm going to be stressed, so I give myself grace to need wibble time.
• Flying at less popular times of day - e.g. leaving early morning, and returning late at night.
• Morning flights out mean less time during the day to get stressed, it's just get up and go. I can also usually check in straight away, and then go out for a quiet wander around where I am staying.
• For short visits, quiet wandering is very restorative especially in the evening
• Evening flights home mean less worrying about having time to eat breakfast, check out, and get to the airport. I now can check out on time (or even late if offered), leave my baggage in the hotel, have a lazy last day, and to eat properly before heading to the airport to check in.
• Avoiding accommodation with lots of partying / drinking. I know I'm going to be low on spoons, so loud noises are likely to stress me more. Picking my accommodation carefully with that in mind is important.
• If I want to visit somewhere as part of my journey, conserving spoons for travelling days is vital, so sometimes booking tours instead of visiting places independently can allow me to hoard those spoons and enjoy the destination more.

Reasonable Adjustments and the Problem of Knowing

 Reasonable adjustments are a funny thing - often it's hard to know what we need. For those of us who were undiagnosed until adulthood we've often either don't realise things we do are actually adjustments, or we don't understand the underlying reasons for a preference... Add in generations of undiagnosed and unsupported family, many of us have family ways of doing things that are actually adjustments.

Some examples:

Finances

I struggle with budgeting because I forget important payments that are due. My maternal grandmother, in retrospect, also had problems in a similar way. What I learned from her was to put my money into pots for important expenses that couldn't be skipped - literal pots in her case - so she had a Rent pot, a Food money pot, and so on. Yes, I can do that digitally now, but it took a long time to realise that it was an adjustment.

Travel

I have always preferred to travel by train, which I thought was just because I grew up going on holiday by train as my father was a railwayman so we had discounted travel. I thought I loved trains because he did, and it was just something we shared. A conversation this week with my spouse has led to some suprising-to-me revelations!

For me, it transpires that the reason why I find train travel so much less stressful is not just habituation from my childhood! Travelling abroad by train has much less stressors for me compared to flying.

Clothing

School uniforms were awesome, so finding a personal "work uniform" has been essential. Working from home it's a t-shirt and shorts/trousers with a soft bra, and when I was working onsite I had 2 pairs of identical jeans, which I rotated, half a dozen identical tops (3/4 sleeve black t-shirts), infinite identical black socks - no need to even hunt to make a pair, and the same shoes every day. Having the same clothes was one less stressor in the morning for getting ready to go to work.

ADHD and ASD overlaps

 Just a short post about the overlaps between ADHD and ASD. As I may have mentioned previously, I have been suspecting more and more over the last year that my ASD has also got a somewhat significant amount of ADHD elements in it. Getting a diagnosis is/would be hard, mostly due to the immense backlogs in accessing a clinician with diagnostic abilities right now. Unfortunately there is a HUGE waiting list for both NHS and private diagnoses - to the extent that my nephew would likely age out of CAMHS (Child and Adolescent services) if referred now as the waiting list in his area is 4+ YEARS! This is also affecting Higher and Further education, as previously we could have referred a student during their first year - when issues became visible - and expect to get at least a tentative diagnosis within a year or so, now a referral prior to starting is unlikely to get any kind of diagnosis before graduation! So extenuating circumstances provisions are now having to be provided on referral not diagnosis to ensure students aren't failing completely due to our lack of support for them which both sides know they need. 

So, the point of this wasn't to rant about that (although I feel better for getting it out!), but to talk about one of the issues I have had with co-morbidities in diagnostic criteria. Many years ago I saw a lovely Venn diagram which showed where ADHD diagnostic criteria overlapped with ASD ones, and where they were unique to each disorder. I then promptly lost it and have searched for it on-and-off for literal years without joy. This last month I finally re-found it, and a whole wonderful website by a clicician called Dr. Neff who has created an entire section where she discusses comorbid conditions and misdiagnoses for neurodivergent conditions.

Website: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/ - then go to Misdiagnosis Monday.

Neff's ADHD vs Autism page is going to be really useful for me as one of my plans this year is to confirm or deny whether I feel I have a dual diagnosis, or not. After that, well then I get to consider whether it is worth going for a formal diagnosis and seeking medication, or if I just carry on as now but looking at both ASD and ADHD friendly hacks to achieve my targets.

Meanderings, Mostly on reading this year and Brain chaos

So this post is partly looking back on a post I first wrote in September 2020 but only just got around to tidying off and releasing (On self-help and neurodiverse (support) communities), and partly just on me and reading this year. I feel these topics are related.

I'll begin by sharing an image that ADHD Alien / Pina shared recently. This one was a big OUCH moment for me to see, because it's absolutely where I am right now!

Neurodiversity Update

So, after sitting and mulling on this for at least a year, I've come to face that I may be at least slightly ADHD in addition to my existing ASD diagnosis. I've tried to prove to myself that I don't have ADHD traits, and I'm failing. I also still find (see the post linked above) that ADHD-related "hacks" often help me far more than pure ASD related ones. The more I researched to "prove" that I don't have anything like ADHD, the more I found things which helped to explain why my ASD presentation wasn't textbook despite my high assessment results.

Accepting these "failings", however has proved to be a benefit. Saying out loud that I can't do X because Y, has helped me see ways past the inability to do the thing and to find alternative ways to get to the goal instead. For example, keeping my office tidy.

I have loads of rubbish in my room, and empty cups, and old plates, plus parts of incomplete projects, and so on. It's awful and I hate it, because ironically having my environment look like my brain feels is a direct impediment for me to achieve anything. But I kept forgetting to empty the bin, or put a new liner in, or simply move the rubbish from Point of Creation to Bin. An ADHDer (I think it was on a hacks Facebook group) suggested that this is from trying to live as a neurotypical. Instead they suggested that it might be more productive to go back to the fundamentals and solve the actual problem without thinking about expectations. So, using the example of bins - established thinking is that you have a bin per room and move items to the bin, but if your brain doesn't work that way, perhaps it's better to just have bins at each point of rubbish generation regardless of how many are in that location. So I now have a paper bin near my cutting mat, for pattern paper offcuts, and because I used to overfill and then forget or knock over the "normal" sized bin by my desk, I now have an entire bin liner tied to one of the clamps on my desk, which I change every bin day. Why a bin liner? Well, I don't have space for a hard bin that size, but a liner kinda tucks under a corner of my desk. Plus "emptying" is as simple as untying, knotting the top, and taking it outside. No interim tasks to distract me along the way.

Distractibility and Hyperfocus

Accepting my own distractibility has been another thing I'm working on. For a long time this has been something I've struggled to accept about myself as I thought it directly contradicted my ASD diagnosis. But it doesn't.

ASD means that when I'm in the task, I'm IN it, and I dive all the way in.

Distractibility means that between dives I can get totally waylaid, and that my next deep dive may not be anywhere close to what I NEED to be doing, or even what I want to be doing!

For example:

• Working on Task A, dive deeply, but then need some information from an email to continue.
• Tab to emails
• Get distracted reading emails, respond to 3 unrelated emails
• Attend a meeting
• Do Task B
• Go to close at the end of the day and realise that Task A wasn't completed because I never actually retrieve the information I went to get.

Example 2:

• Working on Task A, which involves using programmes on 2 screens, and occasionally a third window. I don't deep dive, but I do focus intently
• Tab between tasks, and accidentally bring the wrong screen up, perhaps Reddit, or my emails, or an article I was reading at lunch
• Get distracted by the content of the screen I'm now looking at, even more likely if it has an alert, a "new post" note, or a notification tab.
• Eventually remember and go back to Task A and have to spend 10-15 minutes staring to remember wtf I was doing, with negative time points if the page I was in has timed out and is at a login or home screen again.
• Repeat all bloody day

Example 3:

• Doing Task A
• Email pings
• Check email and see it's junk or not for me or nothing with an action
• Read 50 emails unrelated to current Task
• Reminder pings to start Task B, breaking the Read Random Emails hyperfocus
• Remember and go back to Task A, while panicking about Task B
  
  
• This scenario is worse if the ping is my phone, because while I may only be checking for Important Messages, the amount of potentially distracting notifications on my phone is likely to be exponentially worse!

I've found Teams, while more initially distracting, is less executively distracting because it's fairly discrete - message pings, stay distracted for length of specific conversation, return to work. For this reason, I've found I prefer to turn to Teams to communicate when I'm "inside" a Task, instead of emailing. Emails involve thought - who to send to and whether To, CC, or BCC; Salutation; All the text needs to be clear - Teams chat has more space for clarification; and so on. Teams is "Hi, ~request~, Thanks!" and then discuss. Teams can also be "Um, do you know who to ask about X?", with a fast reply. Responses can be reactions, and it's far easier to upload images for Issue logging. And you can go DND and not get pings for the duration of a task!

In my own life this can play out in one of two major ways, plus an extra exec dysfunction addendum.

1. Distraction into a related thing

This happens a lot when I'm in the planning stages for an outfit. I can get distracted into deep diving into a random aspect of the costume, and one which ultimately doesn't really matter - e.g. all the varieties of shoes and boots worn in a specific year... Or the varieties in collars worn at that time, when what I actually needed to work on at that point was just whether Fabric A was a good choice to buy for this project.

2. Distraction because I'm overwhelmed and procrastinating

This most often happens when I am overwhelmed by the amount to do in a project, so in trying to break it down into smaller parts, I overfocus on something utterly insignificant to the detriment of the main components of the project. For example, at school ensuring that I underlined a title twice in a specific colour, rather than starting to write the introduction, and getting to the end of the period with a PERFECT title and no text. Yes, been there, done that!

3. Executive Dysfunction meaning I've got stuck in wrong task

This is one of the most irritating parts, for me. I'm doing something I don't even want to be doing, because my brain is not letting me switch to the thing I want to do. For example, playing a game when I actually want to go to bed. In this latter situation, I've very lucky that my spouse will come to me, ask me "do you need help", and then helps me break focus on the thing that's gripping me, and move onto bed, or showering, or going out, whatever it is that I would actually prefer to be doing. This help is invaluable because I need that external push to re-start my brain into a more productive/constructive direction. It's also, I suspect, sometimes the cause of brain weasels, thought spirals, and some of my panic attacks. My brain literally can't switch from Thought A, even though I want to, without some external input. I am very lucky to have someone to help me like this without judgement. 

~~~

Reading, Relaxing, and Resting

I'm on leave today, and I'm SO glad because frankly my brain has been hissing at me like this for quite a while! I need to take leave more frequently and not to do things, just to relax and reset. I find that I mostly take my leave to do things, to go places, or to focus on NotWork tasks. Which means I don't have time off to just read, just rest, just play games, and if I don't start doing this I'm going to burn out. This is especially important as I've been working full time since August, and may be permanently doing at least 0.8FTE in future. If I am going to work more hours, I need to carve out conscious brain rest times too, as I won't have my afternoons to do whatever the fuck I like (or nap, often it's just nap). That said, I have 3 more days I can book (well 11 hours, which is 3 "days"+0.5 hours). At least one of those is going to be so I can play Dragonflight on release day, because Why the Fuck NOT!

So what has this got to do with reading? Well, I love reading, it has been a joy in my life for as long as I can remember. I was a hyperlexic child, and started reading by about 2 - my mother remembers having to briefly step away one evening during my night-time story, and returning a few minutes later to find me trying to figure out the words so I could carry on with the story. Reading is part of my self-identity that I've never surrendered. However, I've repeatedly complained over the past 7/8 years I've been in my current job that I no longer seem to have the times to read - there was something for me about commuting and having a timetabled lunch break that meant I had defined reading times. Since being in my current job, which I love, I neither commute nor have set lunch breaks. Nor do I have people I want to have space from for a while during my breaks, especially now I'm home working. I'm trying to get myself into the habit/routine of reading before bed at least a few nights a week. I've been subscribed to Uncanny Magazine and Apex Magazine for a few years via Kickstarter, so I'm using these as my intentional evening reading. As both are collections of short stories (and long-shorts) they give me a definite thing to read, but which has a clear boundary that is easier to stick to than "Just One Chapter", but which I can go over if I have the spoons. At the same time, if I'm really tired one short story isn't so overwhelming as to put me off unlike starting a new book.

However, I'm also planning to sit down and work through the stack of library books I've borrowed but not read on the days where I'm using up my leave for this year. I've got the following 14 titles out on loan:

• Regent's Park : from Tudor hunting ground to the present / Rabbitts
• Elsewhens / Rawn
• The way of all flesh / Parry
• The hundred thousand kingdoms / Jemisin
• Thorn / Khanani
• The hunt / Neill
• Children of blood and bone / Adeyemi
• Blood of elves / Sapkowski
• Redemption's blade : after the war / Tchaikovsky
• Cursor's fury / Butcher
• Shadow and bone / Bardugo
• In ashes lie / Brennan
• The ten thousand doors of January / Harrow
• ✔ The grief of stones / Addison 

I read The Grief of Stones on my way back from my parents' at the beginning of October, so I'd like to get at least one more library book finished before the end of the month. I'd also like to get the current Apex issue read. Tomorrow, however, is for sewing / craft related shenanigans instead. Since I didn't manage to go to the Mrs Gaskell event due to sickness, I want to push that outfit into at least "better" territory (post to come on that process).

Habits, Rituals & Routines, Part 1

I am neurodiverse. 

I have confirmed, diagnosed, profound ASD. It has also been suggested that I may have some ADHD traits (which may explain other things about my presentation, but that's a musing for later).

I have lots of habits. 

Or so I thought. I have rituals and routines. If I don't follow these in the correct order, each time, then it all falls apart. 

Sometimes "falling apart" is displayed as "Screws up the whole day" - e.g. this is my normal routine fora day when I am immediately leaving the house.

1. Alarm
2. Sit up
3. Faff time - check phone, play game, do Duolingo morning practice
4. Get out of bed
5. Make tea and breakfast
6. Drink tea and eat breakfast at PC, take pills, and read emails
7. Ablutions
1. Shower
2. Deodorant
3. Brush teeth
4. Brush hair
8. Figure out clothes
9. Dress
10. Check bag(s)
11. Shoes
12. Coat
13. "Recitation"
14. Leave house

Scenario

I woke up late and didn't have time for breakfast and/or showering. I now have forgotten my medications - all of them - and don't know when to have lunch or dinner. 

Coping & Variations

I have coped partially with these by creating alternate routines - so I can't drop the faff time at the beginning, because that's literally part of waking up for me.

If I know I will have problems because of an early start, I also buy eat-as-I-travel breakfast, although drink-tea isn't movable. Not having that one means forgetting pills, which is a bigger problem.

Ablutions. I've learned that I can swap Shower with Wash-at-Sink, which saves hair and drying time. I still have to ensure that the rest is done in order, or I will forget one or more of them. Yes, I have left the house and then realised I forgot to brush may hair. It's a thing.

Choosing clothes has always been an issue. I really miss school and uniforms - at least the most you had to figure out was what version of navy skirt / knitwear was clean!

I only check bags in the morning, because I always try wherever possible to pack things the night before. Why? Because that was what I was told as a child, and it stuck. Plus it works! I find packing things I need to remember to take with me BEFORE I go to bed helps a) reduce anxiety in the morning and b) gives a much better chance of me remembering unusual-thing! My mother was wise here! So, end result is that I check that I put x into my bag, which is calming to see, but I don't have to run around and find it while I'm in the Getting Ready Routine.

I then move into the, again non-negotiable, putting on of shoes and coat. I can adjust what footwear I choose, and when being given a list, I may do things like:

• Put on ballet flats
• Put DM boots in bag with spare socks
• Take boots separately

I do this workaround a lot when at my parents', so there I try to always put the bag my boots go in on top of them the night before, and I keep the same thick outer socks for the week - I don't care if they smell when I'm walking home!

Figuring out weather conditions, and whether to wear a heavy coat, rain coat, light hoodie, or even just a cardigan is still a big issue for me that I need to work around a bit better. Maybe I should invest in a pack-a-mac to keep in my bag, so that I only have to consider warmth levels? I hate the texture of them though, which puts me off. Something to think on!

Other People

Other people in the household can also make or break my routines. If I have to wake up A to get my lift, then that can really get in the way of my routine, as I have to figure out where in MY routine to add "Start A on their routine" for things to go smoothly.

On the positive side of this, my wonderful spouse really helps me. If I wake up late, and they know I'm panicking (or likely to be panicking), I may find that tea and breakfast appear in front of me so that I can merge "Faff time" with "Breakfast", and then go straight into getting my body ready for departure. This has proved invaluable a number of times!

ASD and Habits

 Just a short one today on habits, losing habits, and ND living.

I've recently been talking to a counsellor who specialises in working with those with neurodivergences, like me. One thing she has drawn my attention to recently is the fact that many neurodivergent brains struggle to/cannot form habits. We can form repetitions which can appear to others on the outside AS habits, but they are different from neurotypical habits. If we get knocked out of our habits, then we have to consciously begin again at the start in forming them - apparently neurotypicals can just "pick up where they left off". That floored me, and has helped in readdressing how I feel about myself.

I'll put up something longer another day on routines vs habits, but the short which is relevant here is that when I lost a "habit" due to my routine altering, I felt bad. Not bad, stupid, idiotic, incompetent... and more importantly, I didn't have the available brain cycles to re-add the lost habit. Whatever external (or internal) thing happened which caused me to "lose" the habit, was also often impeding my ability to re-establish non-vital things into me new routine. And I feel useless about that. I can be so accommodating with others when "life gets in the way", but not with myself.

Writing on here got lost in that. I tried to force myself into a habit of writing at least once a month Or Else (internal pressure here!). What happened was that I felt trapped, and then when changes due to (I think) going on holiday got in the way, I just felt so incompetent that I made it into a self-fulfilling prophecy - "I'm too incompetent to do this thing regularly - see!". So, what has changed? Not a lot, if I'm honest. Do I think I'll manage to update regularly from now on? Maaaaaaaaybe, but probably not! What has changed is that if I write something here, it's a Good Thing. If I don't, then it's NOT a Bad Thing, it's just A Thing. Will I feel guilty? Gods yes, I don't think I can retrain my brain that much just yet!!

So where now? I'm going to draft up a couple of things that are in my brain, and then we shall see. Maybe more in the way of general life updates. Maybe more ASD/ND stuff that's been percolating around for a while. Maybe more costuming stuff as and when - possibly less of that because I really don't have any self-confidence around this area still so sharing stuff feels far more raw and exposing, plus the group I was associated with I currently feel as welcome as a fart in a lift (which might be just me overthinking, but I need(ed) space to process). Hmm, that might also be something I write - "On Processing". I am fairly sure I'm talking into the void on here, but if so, I might also put some more professional-related stuff on too. I have an idea gestating about alt-ac, and how to NOT approach libraries as an alt-ac profession...

In the event that the void wants to read any of those, or even something related I've not suggested, do say as I can think on that too...

Current in-draft-unwritten-thoughts:

• Faith and ASD - my perspective
• Current costuming project (a rant one will probably be a quickie upcoming), probably with some ND related content
• My habits and routines - where they are fixed, and where I currently have found workarounds
• Reflective writing and ASD - what I find hard about this
• Counselling - what I've learned
• How Not to Alt-Ac
• Differences (for me) between professional conferences and academic ones
• How having an ND boss has caused me to rethink things about professional-me
• General life babble - I may try to make that a monthly thing, with "proper" posts written more ad-hoc.
• Things I've Read Recently - more of a "here's a link" thing than book/article reviews
• Article reviews - to help with Reflective Writing issues, then summaries of articles every once in a while might be good for me.

Of all the above, I don't plan for any to be regular or soon, except possibly the life babble. Maybe doing that "light" writing will help me write one or more "proper" posts too? Who knows!

Getting sidetracked. And managing being sidetracked.

 While I don't have ADHD (to my knowledge!) my ASD symptoms overlap to some extent. One big area of dysfunction for me is what is known in my house as the "Oooh shinies" - or "squirrelling" or "butterflies"... Basically it's when I'm happily involved in one project or concept, and stumble across something else, and now need to research the hell out of it. 

I've recently noticed how it affect craft projects too. At first, it wasn't a major problem - researching cloth, colours (hello recent post on Clarence Blue!), or fabric weaves wasn't too far from my existing point of research. I've been stressing at work this week, which has triggered hypersomnia for me (not unusual), so I've been mostly a semi-zombie from mid afternoon for the last week or so. I spent yesterday evening vaguely moving crafty ideas around on Trello to create a list of a) what I own, and b) a plan for making it (whether that be 2 years hence or whatever). The trigger for that was that the other week Black Snail had a sale on some of their PDF patterns, so I bought a bunch, including two full sets of patterns to make for my husband (when I've never made men's clothes before, so guess I'm learning that!). 

I bought three intentional patterns, plus some others because they were on offer (foolish, but at least PDFs don't take up space or get damaged!):

1. Spencer/Redingote

2. Regency/1830s bonnet.

3. Corset, petticoat and chemise pattern (1830s, but the corset still has the line for the 1818 dress, and this is a corded one which I was particularly interested in trying).

4. Jacket, trousers, and waistcoat patterns for c1890s

5. Jacket, trousers, and waistcoat patterns for c1830s

6. Fan-skirt (1890s)

7. Edwardian blouse

I also received my Laughing Moon dress pattern for the Regency dress. So, way forward is obvious, no? Here was my plan:

1. Mock up corset and adjust for sizing - use medieval shift for underneath for fitting
   Adjust, rinse, repeat.
2. Mock up dress with basic corseting for sizing
   Adjust etc.
3. Make a petticoat using dress pattern to follow the same shape.
   Consider cording bottom inch of hem per Black Snail pattern
4. Make corset properly in decent fabric
5. Make dress properly in decent fabric
6. Evaluate time to event
   If time:
7. Make bonnet
8. Mock up spencer
9. Make spencer
   If insufficient time:
10. Buy a large appropriate shawl
11. Buy a bonnet or other head covering

I started looking at each pattern to figure out the yardage, and found myself adding in the Fan-skirt, and then the Edwardian blouse patterns to my mental pile as well.

It now looks like I have found the fabric for making the fan-skirt before I've even started looking for the corset fabric. Argh! 

Having sat down and evaluated, though, I'm more comfortable now with starting with the skirt. It's been a while since I last did a proper sewing project - possibly even a decade now. The fan-skirt pattern is relatively straight forward, only really fits at one point on my body (waist), and is mostly formed of long straight seams. I think that starting with that pattern might actually be wise, because it will get me back into the swing of things - especially if I machine sew the long seams as it's even longer since I last used a machine to sew! Completing something will also give me a boost to work on the longer drag of the complicated corset mock ups, which will be hard and also almost completely new skills for me.

I also want to make the blouse, but that's possibly less urgent (I'll need to have a look at what I own that I can wear with the skirt once it's made). 

My NEW plan is:

1. September into October
   Fan-skirt from a wool blend
   If I like it, and it's not too complex, I'd like to make another in pure wool.
2. October
   Mock up corset
3. October into November (as time off from Regency projects)
   Mock up blouse and then make properly
4. November
   Mock up dress
5. December 
   Finalise corset
6. January
   Final dress
7. February
   Petticoat
8. March
   Chemise

Assuming that I can make one item a month, then I will have time to make make a bonnet - it does looks fun! And even possibly have time to make a spencer or redingote. 

Why that order?
Well the chemise is a) easiest to buy, and b) I can use an old medieval one for the purpose of fittings, so that goes at the bottom of the list. The petticoat can potentially be skipped, although the silhouette will be better with it, so that is next least important. The big change is my decision to weave the non-Regency items in amongst the Regency ones to give myself a break from the project. This is what brings me back to the ADHD comment. The ADHD community is really open about project and self-management, and in acknowledging the perennial problems of accidental distraction. I will write (one day?) about the (complementary) differences in self-help between the two communities. Anyway, one of the suggestions for managing distraction is to acknowledge it, and to actively manage it but NOT suppress it. What does that mean here? Well, basically, I acknowledge that I'm feeling the lure of another project, and I can permit myself add it to my list of things I'm making, but not both the later pieces. Secondly, I acknowledge that I'm likely to start getting distracted during the more complicated parts of my Regency project which means I need to consider two things: Breaking the project into completable chunks, and Building in distraction. Building in distraction for me, means factoring in some different or simpler tasks to weave in around those complicated overwhelming ones. Those tasks can give me the completion buzz to help continue with the main tasks. It's something I've been doing in my career for a while, and I need to bring it into my personal life too. 

And now I need to make do the Tesco order I've been forgetting to do all week. And set a reminder to collect my pills from the pharmacy tomorrow. Reminders - I need them!!

Oh, and finally, yes, this post is indeed a sidetrack in itself - I was actually writing a completely different post. Hey ho...

Self-help and the Neurodiverse communities - My experience

 This is a post I started writing in September 2020. Lets see how long it takes me to actually finish it! Hopefully less time than the one on Executive Dysfunction...

[Edit: It's October 2022 and I'm just going to publish this as it, chaos and all. It's hard to post later things that refer back to something that was Never Actually Published! I'm adding ends to some sentences, but I will write and schedule another post building on this later today rather than continually failing to release this one... I've back-dated the posting date.]

So, the ADHD and ASD communities have a lot of overlap, both in regards to the members of the community, and in the symptoms which each disorder has as symptomatic. They are still considered (as of DSM-V) to be separate conditions, but diagnosing one can sometimes mean actively seeking to rule out the other. All that said, the two communities support their tribes in different ways, but they're complementary not contradictory. As I age, I am finding that I benefit from dipping into each community for advice or support with different deficits, and that each community can be better at assisting with different kinds of issues.

So where do I go for what assistance types?

ADHD Community

The ADHD community is used to being vilified as "can't complete", always seeking the new thrill, and as being utterly disorganised. At extremes they're seen as incompetent and unable to successfully finish anything. Harmful stereotypes, which the community is there to support their fellows in finding ways through the disconnects. 

I turn to the ADHD community when I need help managing my executive dysfunction, my squirrelly brain, or just for managing feelings of uselessness.

Cartoonists like Dani Donovan (ADHDDD) and Pina (ADHD Alien) help me in two ways:

1. Identifying a trait that I have that I didn't know I was struggling with

2. Providing a space for discussion (e.g. on Twitter) about management of that specific trait in the cartoon

These two artists, in particular, have really helped me understand myself and my own struggles with life. Understanding is one major (and vital) step towards managing something. I can't manage what I don't know or understand.

I also have found a lot of being seen and support through the How to ADHD channel on YouTube.

ASD Community

The ASD community often focuses more on interpersonal communication. How to do it, how to fake it, whether it's worth faking it. Dealing with "masks" is another common topic of conversation within autism-related communities. Unlike the ADHD guys, we were seen as the bright ones who were a bit weird, as opposed to being the lazy one who "would do so well if we just applied ourselves"... This leads to different areas of low confidence. Interestingly, I feel far more confident in giving out advice on the ASD side, than within the ADHD groups - is this just because I have an ASD diagnosis? No idea!

Inspiration Porn

So-called "inspiration porn" seems to be a fraught subject that can make a number of my friends very unhappy. For some it's Children in Need, for others it's those posters with bright slogans, and for others it's the social media videos that go viral because they have a disabled person doing something "ordinary" (or someone treating a disabled person as "normal"). I find my feelings towards the genre to be mixed. Some times they really rile me up, others are "meh". And yet there are also others that do help. So, what gives? I was musing on this today while at work, and decided to write out my thoughts.

Who is it for?

I think the first aspect of Inspiration Porn which has the potential to be problematic is the question: Who is it created for?"

Is it aimed at "normal" people or the in-community? 

So many of the Inspiration Porn videos (in particular) that I see which annoy the ever living fuck out of me are the ones which have a subtext. They say "See, you can do it - I mean THEY can, so why the fuck can't you, eh?". These pieces are othering. They see the world as "normal" and "disabled", and we are there to provide inspiration for them. These works seem to inspire a lot of <3s, cutesy comments, and talks about our "bravery", but not a lot else. My reaction to them, however, is either mostly at the comment threads, or directed at the commentary or annotations.

The people who seem to be allegedly inspired by these videos are the type to mostly elicit little more than an eye roll from me - they mean well, but they just can't see beyond platitudes and our disabilities. 

But not only Normals can be inspired. For me, seeing or reading about someone like me who has achieved something I didn't think was possible, or that I could do, DOES still inspire me. 

Why was it made?

This question is directly related to the last, but comes from a slightly different angle. As is so often said - intention matters! The difference here is not whether it's aimed at "normal people", but what is they expectation on seeing it. 

If it's intentionally created or promoted to elicit that "aww, so BRAVE!!" reaction, then it can do one. 

Was it produced to teach? It can be easier for us to forget when we look at poor treatment today, just how bad the general attitude towards the disabled was. Yes, it can be utterly shit, and sometimes downright horrifying, but for all that, we as a society have made progress. We have a long way still to go, for sure, but our trajectory is no longer at the beginning. Inspiration Porn can be useful in showing the non-bigot that the non-verbal can think, that not all Deaf are stupid, and that those with physical disabilities or in chairs can still love and participate in dance. Those people are our parents, potential partners, relatives, and friends. They need to know that we can, because when they don't believe in us, believing in ourselves becomes that much harder.

What about if it was for the in-community? Was it made for us to demonstrate to ourselves what we can achieve, so that we're holding our a metaphorical hand to others like us to encourage them to follow. One person's Inspiration Porn may be for another that spur that provides them with the impetus to achieve their dreams.

How can something decried as Inspiration Porn be "important"?

What? Yes!

Inspiration Porn has two aspects which can make it important to us. Yes, even the most saccharine and demeaning Inspiration Porn can be useful if we get control of it.

What is porn after all, but something that varies depending on the eye of the beholder. Not all conventional porn is carefully crafted, or even intentional, and the same can be said for Inspiration Porn. 

So, is it Inspiration Porn? 

A short documentary about conjoined twins who are teachers?
A cartoon about a person with clinical depression celebrating the small achievements?
A short story about how a person with a disability achieved their dream despite being told said disability would stop them?
How about an article about how the mother of a non-verbal autistic learned to presume competence?

What do you feel? For me it boils down to two questions:

1. Does it tell society "We can!"
2. Does it tell us "You can!"

I feel that if the answer to either is Yes, then that which I am dismissing as Inspiration Porn, is just Not for Me, in the same way that horror novels or Fifty Shades of Grey are Not for Me. They're doing the job for someone else, and that's fine, but like 50 Shade, they may need to get some further information to get a more rounded view.

What about a poster with a trite phrase on it?

Even that is in the eye of the beholder! If it's the thing I see on the day I need to see it, then sod off, it's Inspiration not Inspiration Porn. Being trite isn't automatically Inspiration Porn, it's often just crap that is intended to help. Badly... :P

In short, it's down to purpose and gaze, just like traditional pornography.

• Is it there to titillate and make the viewer feel good about themselves?
• Is it being shared to make the sharer feel good / not guilty about themselves?
• Is it there without the knowledge / understanding of the person being shown? (Compare some human child Inspiration Porn subjects with feel-good videos of animals) Consent is vital not only in sexual interactions!
• Is it there for You to look at Us, with the subtext of being glad not to be me?

That's Inspiration Porn. 

2017 - Life shenanigans

I haven't yet posted this year because I'm mostly thinking and not really DOING and I got attacked by that mean thing called Life... :)

Bad:
Politics
Operation scheduled for mid-December got cancelled shortly beforehand which messed with my Aspie

Middle:
I asked to see the local ASD specialists because I had some questions and because I had lost my diagnosis letter in the moved down here (I needed it for course reasons). I've ended up with a reassessment in February and I'm terrified they're going to take away my diagnosis. Illogical? Maybe. Real to me though.

Good:
Ended up with a last minute re-scheduling of my op just over a week ago. As in, Phone call at 15:50 to be in the following lunch time, and then altered at 07:30am to "how soon can you get in?"... More on that later.
Starting medication to hopefully kick my personal Plan A into action at last. 10 years in the planning on that one. No indications because I don't want to jinx anything!


Random:
I'm trying to work out what I want to do here, as in on this blog. I like the writing process because it's quite cathartic and no one else reads it! I'm half thinking of making it into streams and using two (or more) profiles to separate the different types if writing.

• Medieval research notes
• Life stuff - me, aspie,
• Librarian / book things

Hmm, not sure.

It May be June - Conferencing While Aspie

Just a quick check in to keep the ball rolling on posting at least semi-regularly, since I missed May completely.

So, what have I done?

Mostly, have a bad mood crash, two big meltdowns, and recover from two conferences.

I love going to conferences, but they really wreck my mental health because I'm having to process so much social interaction. Borderlines was fantastic, for example, but I broke on the third day because my Aspie brain couldn't function any more. I don't think that there is any way in which conference organisers could reduce that for me, it's on me to manage this and I did so poorly that time. So, how do I manage conferences?

1. Make sure my accommodation is as close as possible to the venue is important.
   This isn't always possible - using Borderlines as an example, TCD is smack bang in the centre of Dublin and right on almost all the tourist hotspots, so affordable accommodation was not anywhere near. We stayed with a friend a short way out instead, which was lovely, but meant each day was very long.
2. Don't always go for coffee breaks.
   Skipping that small amount of social interaction is against the idea of conference socialisation but it gives me a much needed brain break. Taking time with no interaction for 10 minutes in the quiet of an empty conference room is very valuable. Plus if I'm getting brain tired, I'm more likely to make a prat of myself!
3. Make sure I get sufficient sleep.
   The more interaction I need to have (and I do enjoy it!), the more sleep I need to recuperate. Acknowledging that fact took a while as I used to just push until I fell over. Now I know sleep is an essential part of the day for me. This means that I can't afford to go out for the evening with other delegates, although I "budget" in the conference dinner to ensure that I don't waste the gift of networking and geeking all at once.
4. Drink lots of water
   Seriously, staying hydrated makes a fantastic difference. Drinking water also allows me to pause before communicating - important when stressed to get my brain in the socially acceptable mode. In addition, toilets are quiet places where I can legitimately recoup some brain space.
5. Eat carefully
   Stress does a number on my digestion, and any social interaction is stressful, so trying to eat plainly can help because I'm not upsetting an already stressed digestive system. Stopping the cycle of stressed - bad tummy - stressed over bad tummy is essential too!
6. Don't go straight back to work!
   Sounds strange, but wherever possible I take an extra day of leave from work when going to conferences so that I have a day or two to 'ground' myself. If I can't do that, I try to at least work from home. Fairly simple but long journeys can work for that too - travelling back from Dublin involves 3-4 hours on a single train back from Holyhead to London, which was great for just being allowed to zone out.
7. Lastly - Plan travel carefully
   Planning travel is always sensible when you have an event to go to, but planning carefully is slightly different. Planning carefully means
• Travel up the night before - no stressing over "will I get there in time" on the first day
• Consider staying overnight afterwards so no stress about packing and getting to the conference, nor worries over where to store baggage during the day.
• Pick trains without tight connections - while I can usually get between most London terminals in 10-20 minutes, take the longer connections and arrive unsweaty and (more) relaxed.
• For Ireland - Book onto the ferry before the one you need. I learned this the hard way going to Belfast! If there is any problem with a ferry sailing, you don't want to be stuck in the wrong country when you are supposed to be giving your paper, so try to book one to get there the night or day before if at all possible. If getting the overnight ferry again, I'll give myself a whole day before the conference, not a few hours.

Do I still have meltdowns and wobbles even following the above? Of course, but for me the ideas on the above list help me to manage myself more sensibly. Conferencing while autistic, for me, is all about reducing risks and stressors, and appreciating that the fun thing (the conference) is also one of the major stressors in itself.

~~

What's coming up?

Main task is cracking on with my transcriptions for my thesis rewrite as I want to have all three done and dusted by the end of September (or even August). This is where I miss working term-time only and having all of August off work!
Attached to that is chasing for my feedback as I've still not received it, which means I'm a bit in the dark as to how they want Chapters 4/5 fixing. Chapter 1 I'm somewhat clearer on, but I'd prefer the feedback before I go too far down the wrong rabbit hole...

No IMC Leeds this year :( I'm not giving a paper and I couldn't justify the expense. I'm still rather sad about that as there are, as always, a number of really useful papers being given which I'd love to hear... Hopefully some will be shared on Academia afterwards. In fact, I may use any spare time (ha!) to do something I had an idea of before - creating a list linking paper titles with papers shared online. With things as they are now, storifys of twitter hashtags would be good BUT takes some of the control away from the author which I know some dislike. Perhaps hashtags/storifies* for roundtables unless curated by the speaker(s).

End of this month (June), I'm going to a Portfolio Building Workshop, to start preparing my Chartership portfolio.

~~

* Storify, storifys, storifies? Not sure...

** Why do I keep stressing "for me" in my list? Because all people on the autistic spectrum are different, and while my techniques may help others, we're not all going to respond to the same things.