Meanderings, Mostly on reading this year and Brain chaos

So this post is partly looking back on a post I first wrote in September 2020 but only just got around to tidying off and releasing (On self-help and neurodiverse (support) communities), and partly just on me and reading this year. I feel these topics are related.

I'll begin by sharing an image that ADHD Alien / Pina shared recently. This one was a big OUCH moment for me to see, because it's absolutely where I am right now!

Neurodiversity Update

So, after sitting and mulling on this for at least a year, I've come to face that I may be at least slightly ADHD in addition to my existing ASD diagnosis. I've tried to prove to myself that I don't have ADHD traits, and I'm failing. I also still find (see the post linked above) that ADHD-related "hacks" often help me far more than pure ASD related ones. The more I researched to "prove" that I don't have anything like ADHD, the more I found things which helped to explain why my ASD presentation wasn't textbook despite my high assessment results.

Accepting these "failings", however has proved to be a benefit. Saying out loud that I can't do X because Y, has helped me see ways past the inability to do the thing and to find alternative ways to get to the goal instead. For example, keeping my office tidy.

I have loads of rubbish in my room, and empty cups, and old plates, plus parts of incomplete projects, and so on. It's awful and I hate it, because ironically having my environment look like my brain feels is a direct impediment for me to achieve anything. But I kept forgetting to empty the bin, or put a new liner in, or simply move the rubbish from Point of Creation to Bin. An ADHDer (I think it was on a hacks Facebook group) suggested that this is from trying to live as a neurotypical. Instead they suggested that it might be more productive to go back to the fundamentals and solve the actual problem without thinking about expectations. So, using the example of bins - established thinking is that you have a bin per room and move items to the bin, but if your brain doesn't work that way, perhaps it's better to just have bins at each point of rubbish generation regardless of how many are in that location. So I now have a paper bin near my cutting mat, for pattern paper offcuts, and because I used to overfill and then forget or knock over the "normal" sized bin by my desk, I now have an entire bin liner tied to one of the clamps on my desk, which I change every bin day. Why a bin liner? Well, I don't have space for a hard bin that size, but a liner kinda tucks under a corner of my desk. Plus "emptying" is as simple as untying, knotting the top, and taking it outside. No interim tasks to distract me along the way.

Distractibility and Hyperfocus

Accepting my own distractibility has been another thing I'm working on. For a long time this has been something I've struggled to accept about myself as I thought it directly contradicted my ASD diagnosis. But it doesn't.

ASD means that when I'm in the task, I'm IN it, and I dive all the way in.

Distractibility means that between dives I can get totally waylaid, and that my next deep dive may not be anywhere close to what I NEED to be doing, or even what I want to be doing!

For example:

• Working on Task A, dive deeply, but then need some information from an email to continue.
• Tab to emails
• Get distracted reading emails, respond to 3 unrelated emails
• Attend a meeting
• Do Task B
• Go to close at the end of the day and realise that Task A wasn't completed because I never actually retrieve the information I went to get.

Example 2:

• Working on Task A, which involves using programmes on 2 screens, and occasionally a third window. I don't deep dive, but I do focus intently
• Tab between tasks, and accidentally bring the wrong screen up, perhaps Reddit, or my emails, or an article I was reading at lunch
• Get distracted by the content of the screen I'm now looking at, even more likely if it has an alert, a "new post" note, or a notification tab.
• Eventually remember and go back to Task A and have to spend 10-15 minutes staring to remember wtf I was doing, with negative time points if the page I was in has timed out and is at a login or home screen again.
• Repeat all bloody day

Example 3:

• Doing Task A
• Email pings
• Check email and see it's junk or not for me or nothing with an action
• Read 50 emails unrelated to current Task
• Reminder pings to start Task B, breaking the Read Random Emails hyperfocus
• Remember and go back to Task A, while panicking about Task B
  
  
• This scenario is worse if the ping is my phone, because while I may only be checking for Important Messages, the amount of potentially distracting notifications on my phone is likely to be exponentially worse!

I've found Teams, while more initially distracting, is less executively distracting because it's fairly discrete - message pings, stay distracted for length of specific conversation, return to work. For this reason, I've found I prefer to turn to Teams to communicate when I'm "inside" a Task, instead of emailing. Emails involve thought - who to send to and whether To, CC, or BCC; Salutation; All the text needs to be clear - Teams chat has more space for clarification; and so on. Teams is "Hi, ~request~, Thanks!" and then discuss. Teams can also be "Um, do you know who to ask about X?", with a fast reply. Responses can be reactions, and it's far easier to upload images for Issue logging. And you can go DND and not get pings for the duration of a task!

In my own life this can play out in one of two major ways, plus an extra exec dysfunction addendum.

1. Distraction into a related thing

This happens a lot when I'm in the planning stages for an outfit. I can get distracted into deep diving into a random aspect of the costume, and one which ultimately doesn't really matter - e.g. all the varieties of shoes and boots worn in a specific year... Or the varieties in collars worn at that time, when what I actually needed to work on at that point was just whether Fabric A was a good choice to buy for this project.

2. Distraction because I'm overwhelmed and procrastinating

This most often happens when I am overwhelmed by the amount to do in a project, so in trying to break it down into smaller parts, I overfocus on something utterly insignificant to the detriment of the main components of the project. For example, at school ensuring that I underlined a title twice in a specific colour, rather than starting to write the introduction, and getting to the end of the period with a PERFECT title and no text. Yes, been there, done that!

3. Executive Dysfunction meaning I've got stuck in wrong task

This is one of the most irritating parts, for me. I'm doing something I don't even want to be doing, because my brain is not letting me switch to the thing I want to do. For example, playing a game when I actually want to go to bed. In this latter situation, I've very lucky that my spouse will come to me, ask me "do you need help", and then helps me break focus on the thing that's gripping me, and move onto bed, or showering, or going out, whatever it is that I would actually prefer to be doing. This help is invaluable because I need that external push to re-start my brain into a more productive/constructive direction. It's also, I suspect, sometimes the cause of brain weasels, thought spirals, and some of my panic attacks. My brain literally can't switch from Thought A, even though I want to, without some external input. I am very lucky to have someone to help me like this without judgement. 

~~~

Reading, Relaxing, and Resting

I'm on leave today, and I'm SO glad because frankly my brain has been hissing at me like this for quite a while! I need to take leave more frequently and not to do things, just to relax and reset. I find that I mostly take my leave to do things, to go places, or to focus on NotWork tasks. Which means I don't have time off to just read, just rest, just play games, and if I don't start doing this I'm going to burn out. This is especially important as I've been working full time since August, and may be permanently doing at least 0.8FTE in future. If I am going to work more hours, I need to carve out conscious brain rest times too, as I won't have my afternoons to do whatever the fuck I like (or nap, often it's just nap). That said, I have 3 more days I can book (well 11 hours, which is 3 "days"+0.5 hours). At least one of those is going to be so I can play Dragonflight on release day, because Why the Fuck NOT!

So what has this got to do with reading? Well, I love reading, it has been a joy in my life for as long as I can remember. I was a hyperlexic child, and started reading by about 2 - my mother remembers having to briefly step away one evening during my night-time story, and returning a few minutes later to find me trying to figure out the words so I could carry on with the story. Reading is part of my self-identity that I've never surrendered. However, I've repeatedly complained over the past 7/8 years I've been in my current job that I no longer seem to have the times to read - there was something for me about commuting and having a timetabled lunch break that meant I had defined reading times. Since being in my current job, which I love, I neither commute nor have set lunch breaks. Nor do I have people I want to have space from for a while during my breaks, especially now I'm home working. I'm trying to get myself into the habit/routine of reading before bed at least a few nights a week. I've been subscribed to Uncanny Magazine and Apex Magazine for a few years via Kickstarter, so I'm using these as my intentional evening reading. As both are collections of short stories (and long-shorts) they give me a definite thing to read, but which has a clear boundary that is easier to stick to than "Just One Chapter", but which I can go over if I have the spoons. At the same time, if I'm really tired one short story isn't so overwhelming as to put me off unlike starting a new book.

However, I'm also planning to sit down and work through the stack of library books I've borrowed but not read on the days where I'm using up my leave for this year. I've got the following 14 titles out on loan:

• Regent's Park : from Tudor hunting ground to the present / Rabbitts
• Elsewhens / Rawn
• The way of all flesh / Parry
• The hundred thousand kingdoms / Jemisin
• Thorn / Khanani
• The hunt / Neill
• Children of blood and bone / Adeyemi
• Blood of elves / Sapkowski
• Redemption's blade : after the war / Tchaikovsky
• Cursor's fury / Butcher
• Shadow and bone / Bardugo
• In ashes lie / Brennan
• The ten thousand doors of January / Harrow
• ✔ The grief of stones / Addison 

I read The Grief of Stones on my way back from my parents' at the beginning of October, so I'd like to get at least one more library book finished before the end of the month. I'd also like to get the current Apex issue read. Tomorrow, however, is for sewing / craft related shenanigans instead. Since I didn't manage to go to the Mrs Gaskell event due to sickness, I want to push that outfit into at least "better" territory (post to come on that process).