Reasonable Adjustments and the Problem of Knowing

 Reasonable adjustments are a funny thing - often it's hard to know what we need. For those of us who were undiagnosed until adulthood we've often either don't realise things we do are actually adjustments, or we don't understand the underlying reasons for a preference... Add in generations of undiagnosed and unsupported family, many of us have family ways of doing things that are actually adjustments.

Some examples:

Finances

I struggle with budgeting because I forget important payments that are due. My maternal grandmother, in retrospect, also had problems in a similar way. What I learned from her was to put my money into pots for important expenses that couldn't be skipped - literal pots in her case - so she had a Rent pot, a Food money pot, and so on. Yes, I can do that digitally now, but it took a long time to realise that it was an adjustment.

Travel

I have always preferred to travel by train, which I thought was just because I grew up going on holiday by train as my father was a railwayman so we had discounted travel. I thought I loved trains because he did, and it was just something we shared. A conversation this week with my spouse has led to some suprising-to-me revelations!

For me, it transpires that the reason why I find train travel so much less stressful is not just habituation from my childhood! Travelling abroad by train has much less stressors for me compared to flying.

Clothing

School uniforms were awesome, so finding a personal "work uniform" has been essential. Working from home it's a t-shirt and shorts/trousers with a soft bra, and when I was working onsite I had 2 pairs of identical jeans, which I rotated, half a dozen identical tops (3/4 sleeve black t-shirts), infinite identical black socks - no need to even hunt to make a pair, and the same shoes every day. Having the same clothes was one less stressor in the morning for getting ready to go to work.

ADHD and ASD overlaps

 Just a short post about the overlaps between ADHD and ASD. As I may have mentioned previously, I have been suspecting more and more over the last year that my ASD has also got a somewhat significant amount of ADHD elements in it. Getting a diagnosis is/would be hard, mostly due to the immense backlogs in accessing a clinician with diagnostic abilities right now. Unfortunately there is a HUGE waiting list for both NHS and private diagnoses - to the extent that my nephew would likely age out of CAMHS (Child and Adolescent services) if referred now as the waiting list in his area is 4+ YEARS! This is also affecting Higher and Further education, as previously we could have referred a student during their first year - when issues became visible - and expect to get at least a tentative diagnosis within a year or so, now a referral prior to starting is unlikely to get any kind of diagnosis before graduation! So extenuating circumstances provisions are now having to be provided on referral not diagnosis to ensure students aren't failing completely due to our lack of support for them which both sides know they need. 

So, the point of this wasn't to rant about that (although I feel better for getting it out!), but to talk about one of the issues I have had with co-morbidities in diagnostic criteria. Many years ago I saw a lovely Venn diagram which showed where ADHD diagnostic criteria overlapped with ASD ones, and where they were unique to each disorder. I then promptly lost it and have searched for it on-and-off for literal years without joy. This last month I finally re-found it, and a whole wonderful website by a clicician called Dr. Neff who has created an entire section where she discusses comorbid conditions and misdiagnoses for neurodivergent conditions.

Website: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/ - then go to Misdiagnosis Monday.

Neff's ADHD vs Autism page is going to be really useful for me as one of my plans this year is to confirm or deny whether I feel I have a dual diagnosis, or not. After that, well then I get to consider whether it is worth going for a formal diagnosis and seeking medication, or if I just carry on as now but looking at both ASD and ADHD friendly hacks to achieve my targets.

Meanderings, Mostly on reading this year and Brain chaos

So this post is partly looking back on a post I first wrote in September 2020 but only just got around to tidying off and releasing (On self-help and neurodiverse (support) communities), and partly just on me and reading this year. I feel these topics are related.

I'll begin by sharing an image that ADHD Alien / Pina shared recently. This one was a big OUCH moment for me to see, because it's absolutely where I am right now!

Neurodiversity Update

So, after sitting and mulling on this for at least a year, I've come to face that I may be at least slightly ADHD in addition to my existing ASD diagnosis. I've tried to prove to myself that I don't have ADHD traits, and I'm failing. I also still find (see the post linked above) that ADHD-related "hacks" often help me far more than pure ASD related ones. The more I researched to "prove" that I don't have anything like ADHD, the more I found things which helped to explain why my ASD presentation wasn't textbook despite my high assessment results.

Accepting these "failings", however has proved to be a benefit. Saying out loud that I can't do X because Y, has helped me see ways past the inability to do the thing and to find alternative ways to get to the goal instead. For example, keeping my office tidy.

I have loads of rubbish in my room, and empty cups, and old plates, plus parts of incomplete projects, and so on. It's awful and I hate it, because ironically having my environment look like my brain feels is a direct impediment for me to achieve anything. But I kept forgetting to empty the bin, or put a new liner in, or simply move the rubbish from Point of Creation to Bin. An ADHDer (I think it was on a hacks Facebook group) suggested that this is from trying to live as a neurotypical. Instead they suggested that it might be more productive to go back to the fundamentals and solve the actual problem without thinking about expectations. So, using the example of bins - established thinking is that you have a bin per room and move items to the bin, but if your brain doesn't work that way, perhaps it's better to just have bins at each point of rubbish generation regardless of how many are in that location. So I now have a paper bin near my cutting mat, for pattern paper offcuts, and because I used to overfill and then forget or knock over the "normal" sized bin by my desk, I now have an entire bin liner tied to one of the clamps on my desk, which I change every bin day. Why a bin liner? Well, I don't have space for a hard bin that size, but a liner kinda tucks under a corner of my desk. Plus "emptying" is as simple as untying, knotting the top, and taking it outside. No interim tasks to distract me along the way.

Distractibility and Hyperfocus

Accepting my own distractibility has been another thing I'm working on. For a long time this has been something I've struggled to accept about myself as I thought it directly contradicted my ASD diagnosis. But it doesn't.

ASD means that when I'm in the task, I'm IN it, and I dive all the way in.

Distractibility means that between dives I can get totally waylaid, and that my next deep dive may not be anywhere close to what I NEED to be doing, or even what I want to be doing!

For example:

• Working on Task A, dive deeply, but then need some information from an email to continue.
• Tab to emails
• Get distracted reading emails, respond to 3 unrelated emails
• Attend a meeting
• Do Task B
• Go to close at the end of the day and realise that Task A wasn't completed because I never actually retrieve the information I went to get.

Example 2:

• Working on Task A, which involves using programmes on 2 screens, and occasionally a third window. I don't deep dive, but I do focus intently
• Tab between tasks, and accidentally bring the wrong screen up, perhaps Reddit, or my emails, or an article I was reading at lunch
• Get distracted by the content of the screen I'm now looking at, even more likely if it has an alert, a "new post" note, or a notification tab.
• Eventually remember and go back to Task A and have to spend 10-15 minutes staring to remember wtf I was doing, with negative time points if the page I was in has timed out and is at a login or home screen again.
• Repeat all bloody day

Example 3:

• Doing Task A
• Email pings
• Check email and see it's junk or not for me or nothing with an action
• Read 50 emails unrelated to current Task
• Reminder pings to start Task B, breaking the Read Random Emails hyperfocus
• Remember and go back to Task A, while panicking about Task B
  
  
• This scenario is worse if the ping is my phone, because while I may only be checking for Important Messages, the amount of potentially distracting notifications on my phone is likely to be exponentially worse!

I've found Teams, while more initially distracting, is less executively distracting because it's fairly discrete - message pings, stay distracted for length of specific conversation, return to work. For this reason, I've found I prefer to turn to Teams to communicate when I'm "inside" a Task, instead of emailing. Emails involve thought - who to send to and whether To, CC, or BCC; Salutation; All the text needs to be clear - Teams chat has more space for clarification; and so on. Teams is "Hi, ~request~, Thanks!" and then discuss. Teams can also be "Um, do you know who to ask about X?", with a fast reply. Responses can be reactions, and it's far easier to upload images for Issue logging. And you can go DND and not get pings for the duration of a task!

In my own life this can play out in one of two major ways, plus an extra exec dysfunction addendum.

1. Distraction into a related thing

This happens a lot when I'm in the planning stages for an outfit. I can get distracted into deep diving into a random aspect of the costume, and one which ultimately doesn't really matter - e.g. all the varieties of shoes and boots worn in a specific year... Or the varieties in collars worn at that time, when what I actually needed to work on at that point was just whether Fabric A was a good choice to buy for this project.

2. Distraction because I'm overwhelmed and procrastinating

This most often happens when I am overwhelmed by the amount to do in a project, so in trying to break it down into smaller parts, I overfocus on something utterly insignificant to the detriment of the main components of the project. For example, at school ensuring that I underlined a title twice in a specific colour, rather than starting to write the introduction, and getting to the end of the period with a PERFECT title and no text. Yes, been there, done that!

3. Executive Dysfunction meaning I've got stuck in wrong task

This is one of the most irritating parts, for me. I'm doing something I don't even want to be doing, because my brain is not letting me switch to the thing I want to do. For example, playing a game when I actually want to go to bed. In this latter situation, I've very lucky that my spouse will come to me, ask me "do you need help", and then helps me break focus on the thing that's gripping me, and move onto bed, or showering, or going out, whatever it is that I would actually prefer to be doing. This help is invaluable because I need that external push to re-start my brain into a more productive/constructive direction. It's also, I suspect, sometimes the cause of brain weasels, thought spirals, and some of my panic attacks. My brain literally can't switch from Thought A, even though I want to, without some external input. I am very lucky to have someone to help me like this without judgement. 

~~~

Reading, Relaxing, and Resting

I'm on leave today, and I'm SO glad because frankly my brain has been hissing at me like this for quite a while! I need to take leave more frequently and not to do things, just to relax and reset. I find that I mostly take my leave to do things, to go places, or to focus on NotWork tasks. Which means I don't have time off to just read, just rest, just play games, and if I don't start doing this I'm going to burn out. This is especially important as I've been working full time since August, and may be permanently doing at least 0.8FTE in future. If I am going to work more hours, I need to carve out conscious brain rest times too, as I won't have my afternoons to do whatever the fuck I like (or nap, often it's just nap). That said, I have 3 more days I can book (well 11 hours, which is 3 "days"+0.5 hours). At least one of those is going to be so I can play Dragonflight on release day, because Why the Fuck NOT!

So what has this got to do with reading? Well, I love reading, it has been a joy in my life for as long as I can remember. I was a hyperlexic child, and started reading by about 2 - my mother remembers having to briefly step away one evening during my night-time story, and returning a few minutes later to find me trying to figure out the words so I could carry on with the story. Reading is part of my self-identity that I've never surrendered. However, I've repeatedly complained over the past 7/8 years I've been in my current job that I no longer seem to have the times to read - there was something for me about commuting and having a timetabled lunch break that meant I had defined reading times. Since being in my current job, which I love, I neither commute nor have set lunch breaks. Nor do I have people I want to have space from for a while during my breaks, especially now I'm home working. I'm trying to get myself into the habit/routine of reading before bed at least a few nights a week. I've been subscribed to Uncanny Magazine and Apex Magazine for a few years via Kickstarter, so I'm using these as my intentional evening reading. As both are collections of short stories (and long-shorts) they give me a definite thing to read, but which has a clear boundary that is easier to stick to than "Just One Chapter", but which I can go over if I have the spoons. At the same time, if I'm really tired one short story isn't so overwhelming as to put me off unlike starting a new book.

However, I'm also planning to sit down and work through the stack of library books I've borrowed but not read on the days where I'm using up my leave for this year. I've got the following 14 titles out on loan:

• Regent's Park : from Tudor hunting ground to the present / Rabbitts
• Elsewhens / Rawn
• The way of all flesh / Parry
• The hundred thousand kingdoms / Jemisin
• Thorn / Khanani
• The hunt / Neill
• Children of blood and bone / Adeyemi
• Blood of elves / Sapkowski
• Redemption's blade : after the war / Tchaikovsky
• Cursor's fury / Butcher
• Shadow and bone / Bardugo
• In ashes lie / Brennan
• The ten thousand doors of January / Harrow
• ✔ The grief of stones / Addison 

I read The Grief of Stones on my way back from my parents' at the beginning of October, so I'd like to get at least one more library book finished before the end of the month. I'd also like to get the current Apex issue read. Tomorrow, however, is for sewing / craft related shenanigans instead. Since I didn't manage to go to the Mrs Gaskell event due to sickness, I want to push that outfit into at least "better" territory (post to come on that process).

Habits, Rituals & Routines, Part 1

I am neurodiverse. 

I have confirmed, diagnosed, profound ASD. It has also been suggested that I may have some ADHD traits (which may explain other things about my presentation, but that's a musing for later).

I have lots of habits. 

Or so I thought. I have rituals and routines. If I don't follow these in the correct order, each time, then it all falls apart. 

Sometimes "falling apart" is displayed as "Screws up the whole day" - e.g. this is my normal routine fora day when I am immediately leaving the house.

1. Alarm
2. Sit up
3. Faff time - check phone, play game, do Duolingo morning practice
4. Get out of bed
5. Make tea and breakfast
6. Drink tea and eat breakfast at PC, take pills, and read emails
7. Ablutions
1. Shower
2. Deodorant
3. Brush teeth
4. Brush hair
8. Figure out clothes
9. Dress
10. Check bag(s)
11. Shoes
12. Coat
13. "Recitation"
14. Leave house

Scenario

I woke up late and didn't have time for breakfast and/or showering. I now have forgotten my medications - all of them - and don't know when to have lunch or dinner. 

Coping & Variations

I have coped partially with these by creating alternate routines - so I can't drop the faff time at the beginning, because that's literally part of waking up for me.

If I know I will have problems because of an early start, I also buy eat-as-I-travel breakfast, although drink-tea isn't movable. Not having that one means forgetting pills, which is a bigger problem.

Ablutions. I've learned that I can swap Shower with Wash-at-Sink, which saves hair and drying time. I still have to ensure that the rest is done in order, or I will forget one or more of them. Yes, I have left the house and then realised I forgot to brush may hair. It's a thing.

Choosing clothes has always been an issue. I really miss school and uniforms - at least the most you had to figure out was what version of navy skirt / knitwear was clean!

I only check bags in the morning, because I always try wherever possible to pack things the night before. Why? Because that was what I was told as a child, and it stuck. Plus it works! I find packing things I need to remember to take with me BEFORE I go to bed helps a) reduce anxiety in the morning and b) gives a much better chance of me remembering unusual-thing! My mother was wise here! So, end result is that I check that I put x into my bag, which is calming to see, but I don't have to run around and find it while I'm in the Getting Ready Routine.

I then move into the, again non-negotiable, putting on of shoes and coat. I can adjust what footwear I choose, and when being given a list, I may do things like:

• Put on ballet flats
• Put DM boots in bag with spare socks
• Take boots separately

I do this workaround a lot when at my parents', so there I try to always put the bag my boots go in on top of them the night before, and I keep the same thick outer socks for the week - I don't care if they smell when I'm walking home!

Figuring out weather conditions, and whether to wear a heavy coat, rain coat, light hoodie, or even just a cardigan is still a big issue for me that I need to work around a bit better. Maybe I should invest in a pack-a-mac to keep in my bag, so that I only have to consider warmth levels? I hate the texture of them though, which puts me off. Something to think on!

Other People

Other people in the household can also make or break my routines. If I have to wake up A to get my lift, then that can really get in the way of my routine, as I have to figure out where in MY routine to add "Start A on their routine" for things to go smoothly.

On the positive side of this, my wonderful spouse really helps me. If I wake up late, and they know I'm panicking (or likely to be panicking), I may find that tea and breakfast appear in front of me so that I can merge "Faff time" with "Breakfast", and then go straight into getting my body ready for departure. This has proved invaluable a number of times!

ASD and Habits

 Just a short one today on habits, losing habits, and ND living.

I've recently been talking to a counsellor who specialises in working with those with neurodivergences, like me. One thing she has drawn my attention to recently is the fact that many neurodivergent brains struggle to/cannot form habits. We can form repetitions which can appear to others on the outside AS habits, but they are different from neurotypical habits. If we get knocked out of our habits, then we have to consciously begin again at the start in forming them - apparently neurotypicals can just "pick up where they left off". That floored me, and has helped in readdressing how I feel about myself.

I'll put up something longer another day on routines vs habits, but the short which is relevant here is that when I lost a "habit" due to my routine altering, I felt bad. Not bad, stupid, idiotic, incompetent... and more importantly, I didn't have the available brain cycles to re-add the lost habit. Whatever external (or internal) thing happened which caused me to "lose" the habit, was also often impeding my ability to re-establish non-vital things into me new routine. And I feel useless about that. I can be so accommodating with others when "life gets in the way", but not with myself.

Writing on here got lost in that. I tried to force myself into a habit of writing at least once a month Or Else (internal pressure here!). What happened was that I felt trapped, and then when changes due to (I think) going on holiday got in the way, I just felt so incompetent that I made it into a self-fulfilling prophecy - "I'm too incompetent to do this thing regularly - see!". So, what has changed? Not a lot, if I'm honest. Do I think I'll manage to update regularly from now on? Maaaaaaaaybe, but probably not! What has changed is that if I write something here, it's a Good Thing. If I don't, then it's NOT a Bad Thing, it's just A Thing. Will I feel guilty? Gods yes, I don't think I can retrain my brain that much just yet!!

So where now? I'm going to draft up a couple of things that are in my brain, and then we shall see. Maybe more in the way of general life updates. Maybe more ASD/ND stuff that's been percolating around for a while. Maybe more costuming stuff as and when - possibly less of that because I really don't have any self-confidence around this area still so sharing stuff feels far more raw and exposing, plus the group I was associated with I currently feel as welcome as a fart in a lift (which might be just me overthinking, but I need(ed) space to process). Hmm, that might also be something I write - "On Processing". I am fairly sure I'm talking into the void on here, but if so, I might also put some more professional-related stuff on too. I have an idea gestating about alt-ac, and how to NOT approach libraries as an alt-ac profession...

In the event that the void wants to read any of those, or even something related I've not suggested, do say as I can think on that too...

Current in-draft-unwritten-thoughts:

• Faith and ASD - my perspective
• Current costuming project (a rant one will probably be a quickie upcoming), probably with some ND related content
• My habits and routines - where they are fixed, and where I currently have found workarounds
• Reflective writing and ASD - what I find hard about this
• Counselling - what I've learned
• How Not to Alt-Ac
• Differences (for me) between professional conferences and academic ones
• How having an ND boss has caused me to rethink things about professional-me
• General life babble - I may try to make that a monthly thing, with "proper" posts written more ad-hoc.
• Things I've Read Recently - more of a "here's a link" thing than book/article reviews
• Article reviews - to help with Reflective Writing issues, then summaries of articles every once in a while might be good for me.

Of all the above, I don't plan for any to be regular or soon, except possibly the life babble. Maybe doing that "light" writing will help me write one or more "proper" posts too? Who knows!

Self-help and the Neurodiverse communities - My experience

 This is a post I started writing in September 2020. Lets see how long it takes me to actually finish it! Hopefully less time than the one on Executive Dysfunction...

[Edit: It's October 2022 and I'm just going to publish this as it, chaos and all. It's hard to post later things that refer back to something that was Never Actually Published! I'm adding ends to some sentences, but I will write and schedule another post building on this later today rather than continually failing to release this one... I've back-dated the posting date.]

So, the ADHD and ASD communities have a lot of overlap, both in regards to the members of the community, and in the symptoms which each disorder has as symptomatic. They are still considered (as of DSM-V) to be separate conditions, but diagnosing one can sometimes mean actively seeking to rule out the other. All that said, the two communities support their tribes in different ways, but they're complementary not contradictory. As I age, I am finding that I benefit from dipping into each community for advice or support with different deficits, and that each community can be better at assisting with different kinds of issues.

So where do I go for what assistance types?

ADHD Community

The ADHD community is used to being vilified as "can't complete", always seeking the new thrill, and as being utterly disorganised. At extremes they're seen as incompetent and unable to successfully finish anything. Harmful stereotypes, which the community is there to support their fellows in finding ways through the disconnects. 

I turn to the ADHD community when I need help managing my executive dysfunction, my squirrelly brain, or just for managing feelings of uselessness.

Cartoonists like Dani Donovan (ADHDDD) and Pina (ADHD Alien) help me in two ways:

1. Identifying a trait that I have that I didn't know I was struggling with

2. Providing a space for discussion (e.g. on Twitter) about management of that specific trait in the cartoon

These two artists, in particular, have really helped me understand myself and my own struggles with life. Understanding is one major (and vital) step towards managing something. I can't manage what I don't know or understand.

I also have found a lot of being seen and support through the How to ADHD channel on YouTube.

ASD Community

The ASD community often focuses more on interpersonal communication. How to do it, how to fake it, whether it's worth faking it. Dealing with "masks" is another common topic of conversation within autism-related communities. Unlike the ADHD guys, we were seen as the bright ones who were a bit weird, as opposed to being the lazy one who "would do so well if we just applied ourselves"... This leads to different areas of low confidence. Interestingly, I feel far more confident in giving out advice on the ASD side, than within the ADHD groups - is this just because I have an ASD diagnosis? No idea!